Turning Over a New Leaf

“Everyone I know starts again sometime in life. It is learning to accept the endings, to embrace the new beginnings, that makes all the difference. ”
— Joan Chittister

In the 16th century the pages of a book were referred to as leaves. This phrase and metaphor has been used since the 1500s to referring to changing course, starting afresh, writing a new page. Turning over a new leaf, whether intentional or forced, offers up a challenge: "to recognize that the circumstances of life are much less important than what we learnabout what it means to become fully human because of them." Joan Chittister in Called to Question: A spiritual memoir. 

"If i set my eyes on who i am becoming,
i can submit to the process of change
and commit to work
on my passions
on my capacities
on my mind
and on my body.
and, so long as i breathe, 
that commitment to next steps and newness
can last."

~ Justin McRoberts

The wilderness has become part of my (Kelly's) most recent pages. I have expanded my love of hiking and the outdoors to backpacking and camping. This summer I co-facilitated a women's backpacking trip with TrailBound Learning Co founder, Kayli Cross. In the backcountry of Colorado, 7 women and 1 dog covered 26 miles over 4 days of learning, stumbling, and gracefully connecting.

Three Weeks later I headed back to the Colorado wilderness except I brought my two sons to backpack in the San Isabel Forest and to raft the Arkansas River. Kayli, as the best therafriend she is, accompanied us with her dog Levi!

With this new leaf, "courage running wild" was written on our pages. It takes courage to adjust expectations. To adapt. To realize all that lays before you and to dig deep with your feet, your soul, and your paddle or pole. It takes courage to look up and breathe in the expansiveness around you. To question. To be fully exposed both on a mountainside's edge and fully exposed within the limits of your humanity with all your rawest reactions and physical needs. Courage runs wild to yield to rest. To allow joy and pain to cohabitate. To surprise yourself with possibility. To trust and lean on a rock or another living breathing being. Courage runs wild when you take the (bee) sting from out of nowhere and return to that place as your only means of returning "home." Courage runs wild when you say yes. When you say no. When you pause and wait out the storm. 

Courage runs wild when you poop in the forest. I said what I said.

"Every ordinary thing is infused with mystery." Barbara Holmes

How does courage run wild for you?

Parenting, caregiving, and teaching young people has a way of bringing us to terms with our own humanity (our strengths, desires, limitations). We invite you to turn a new leaf (page) in how you show up in the roles you serve in and the experiences you share with young people.

Here's a little guided practice--one that Kayli and I used with the participants on our women's backpacking trip. Find a piece of paper/journal and a writing utensil. It just makes this whole "turning over a new leaf" thing more tangible.

Sit with these prompts and jot down a few words to complete them.You decide  how to interpret each prompt.

I intend...
I bring...
I have...
I need...

And finally, I will leave you with some photos from backpacking and camping in the Rio Grande and San Isabel National Forests. Perhaps you’ll discover something mysterious in each of them!

When In Doubt, Connect

A few words on what to do when you don't know what to do. The following blog post is suitable for anyone who has a relationship in any capacity with someone else. I hope that keeps it broad enough. In my practice I facilitate strengthening the parent/caregiver/child relationship. However, the following same principles apply to romantic relationships, friendships, teacher/student interactions, workplace relationships, etc...

 

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It's not often that I quote myself, but when I do, it's because I struck a chord I needed to hear myself. In parenting or in other relationships we may find ourselves at a loss, confused, desperate, hopeless, discouraged, or hurt. It's in those times that we should respond with love and connection.

How do goals of behavior affect our responses?

I  frequently talk with parents about a child's goals for misbehavior--that behavior is goal directed and children are trying to fulfill a need. Adults do the same thing except our misbehavior looks differently, but is rooted in the same needs.

In our relationships and interactions with others, we automatically assign a story to our beliefs about ourselves, about others, and about our situations. These beliefs will trigger emotions which trigger a reaction. This reaction is trying to fulfill a need.

When we are are feeling discouraged, challenged, hurt, confused, or hopeless in our relationships, it would serve us well to reflect on what might be the other person's goal and what might be our goal.

Power/Control, Inadequacy/Fear of Failure, Revenge, Attention

1. Goal: power and control. The belief behind power/control is: I belong or I am valued when I am in control or proving no one can boss me. 

2. Goal: avoid inadequacy. The belief behind inadequacy/fear of Failure is: I don't believe I can belong so I'll convince others not to expect anything from me. I am helpless and unable. It's no use trying because I won't do it right. OR I will do everything I can to avoid being perceived as inadequate.

3. Goal: hurt, get even. The belief behind revenge is:  I'll hurt others as I feel hurt. I can't be liked or loved.

4. Goal: attention. The belief behind attention is: I am valued only when I am being noticed. I'm only important when I'm keeping you busy with me.

What's the best response?

To change a negative attitude you're holding about an individual, you'll need to uncover the underlying belief or goal that's creating your unhappy feelings. Begin by asking whether you believe people, in general, are doing the best they can. Researcher Brene Brown has discovered that believing that you and others are doing the best you can requires compassion. "You may not be absolutely sure about the intention behind someone's behavior, including your own. But being compassionate is about cultivating the attitude that normally people do their best with the tools they have. Compassion allows us to believe that we can all learn from our mistakes, enabling us to grow and change." (ThePropelPrinciples.com)

What's the most generous possible interpretation of the intentions words, and actions of others? (Brene Brown)

Equally, what's the most generous possible interpretation of our own actions? 

1. Identify goals of behavior with the most generous possible interpretation.

2. Evaluate whether your reaction is responding to their need/goal AND whether your reaction is self serving your goals of behavior. Are you reacting out of your own sense of inadequacy, need for control, from feeling hurt, or to be recognized?

When in doubt, do something that connects or communicates love.

When we feel at a loss for an appropriate response or don't have the time or emotional energy to calculate goals or beliefs, respond in a way that connects, preserves a relationship, or communicates love. (Remember, another person's response to your extension of connection does not determine your adequacy or value).

Offering connection or love does not imply permissiveness nor does it allow someone to take advantage of or walk all over you. Brene Brown recommends Living BIG: Boundaries, Integrity, Generosity. "Setting boundaries means getting clear on what behaviors are okay and what's not okay. Integrity is the key to this commitment because it's how we set those boundaries and ultimately hold ourselves and others accountable for respecting them." (Brene Brown, Rising Strong).