Children Aren't Manipulating--They're Communicating

Children Aren’t Manipulating—They’re Communicating by Kathy Dane

“When we’re children, we communicate like musicians who are still learning to play their instruments.” — Brad Montague

Young children are often misunderstood when their behavior is labeled as manipulative or defiant. But neuroscience and developmental psychology tell us a different story: children are not trying to control adults—they’re trying to communicate unmet needs in the only way their developing brains allow.

The prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, planning, and emotional regulation—is one of the last areas to fully develop. In fact, it continues maturing well into a person’s mid-twenties (Casey et al., 2005). This means that young children often operate from more reactive, emotional brain regions (like the amygdala), rather than intentionally calculated decision-making.

Developmentally, children do not yet have the language skills or self-awareness to express complex internal experiences. Instead, they "speak" through behavior. Montague’s quote captures this beautifully: children are still learning how to use the instruments of communication and self-regulation. Tantrums, refusals, or tears are not signs of manipulation but attempts to be heard.

Language plays a powerful role in this process. Research shows that the words children hear from caregivers become the foundation of their inner voice—a process that begins with private speech (talking aloud to oneself) and gradually becomes internalized as self-talk (Winsler et al., 2009). Over time, the way we speak to children shapes how they speak to themselves.

This makes the adult’s choice of language critical. When we respond with empathy, curiosity, and clear boundaries, we help build a child’s brain architecture in ways that support long-term emotional regulation and resilience. In contrast, when we label behavior as manipulative or bad, we risk planting seeds of shame that can become part of a child’s self-concept.

Ultimately, children do not need correction nearly as much as they need connection. When we view behavior through the lens of development and need, we can respond not with frustration—but with compassion.

Kathleen Dane, MS, LPC Associate utilizes play therapy with child clients at Playroom Lubbock. She’s under the clinical supervision of Kelly Martin, MEd, LPC-S, RPT-S

References

Casey, B. J., Tottenham, N., Liston, C., & Durston, S. (2005). Imaging the developing brain: What have we learned about cognitive development? Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 9(3), 104–110. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2005.01.011

Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2007). The science of early childhood development. https://developingchild.harvard.edu

Day, A., & Smith, C. (2013). Understanding the role of private speech in children's emotion regulation. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 28(2), 405–414. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ecresq.2012.12.001

Montague, B. (2019). Becoming better grownups: Rediscovering what matters and remembering how to fly. Avery.

Moriguchi, Y., & Hiraki, K. (2013). Prefrontal cortex and executive function in young children: A review of NIRS studies. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 7, 867. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2013.00867

Whedon, M., Holochwost, S. J., & Winsler, A. (2021). Private speech and the development of self-regulation: The importance of temperamental anger. Infant and Child Development, 30(6), e2293. https://doi.org/10.1002/icd.2293

Winsler, A., Fernyhough, C., & Montero, I. (2009). Private speech, executive functioning, and the development of verbal self-regulation. Cambridge University Press

No Longer and Not Yet

We celebrated our 10th birthday in August with the purchase of a building and relocation of the Playroom Lubbock. The most common statement from our child clients regarding our new building was more of an exclamation: “You bought a house?!” (Also followed by a question, “Why?”) My favorite though is, “This house must be from the 1900’s.” It most assuredly is—though it is a commercial property. Many parents have commented that they received massages here from the previous business—a statement that felt familiar to the ones we received at our previous location in the Green Oaks centre where parents received spray tans in their youthful days prior to our existence. Now this property is a host for young people.

Change can feel so difficult yet so right at the same time. This property allows for us to take therapy outdoors, to realign vision and values, and to invest in our future and community. I (Kelly) was recently invited to be a guest on the Business Growth Masterclass by Stag Business Coaching. I was asked what I am most looking excited about in the future of The Playroom Lubbock? My answer “I just want to settle into where I am at.”

While I have my sights set on things oriented in the future, with the newness of transitioning from one place we called home to another, I just want to as Nancy Levin says “Honor the space between no longer and not yet.”

Stag Business Coching podcast with Lubbock play therapist, Kelly Martin.

What is Play Therapy? Free Printable

What is Play Therapy?

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We are moving! Details and Q/A

We are moving, but keeping it local! After 10 years of calling the Green Oaks Centre on University home, we are celebrating our 10th birthday BIG with the purchase of our own commercial property on 48th and Elgin Ave to begin calling home. You may have some questions regarding what’s next—see our Q/A section below!

Why are you moving?

Buying property is often seen as a symbol of success in a capitalist society. But for me, Kelly, it’s less about achievement and more about alignment—with the needs of my life, the rhythms of my work, and the calling I continue to follow. I hold deep gratitude for the privilege I carry—even as a single-income woman—to be able to make this choice. Life isn’t about pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. It’s about recognizing the systems that shape us, the privileges we hold, and the moments when we choose to move in alignment with our own path. It’s about honesty, support, and intention. The children I work with deserve the most grounded, authentic version of me. This new space reflects who I’m becoming—and I hope it also becomes part of the soil where their growth can take root. I can already feel the next book beginning to write itself—one centered on expanding access and offering care to more vulnerable children. This isn’t just a personal milestone. It’s a quiet revolution of purpose. We look forward to sharing this space with you and eagerly await our enclosed backyard that will allow for more privacy for outdoor therapy, mindful exploration, and big movement play.

Where is the new location?

The new building is located at 4801 Elgin Avenue, Lubbock, TX 79413 at the corner of 48th St. and Elgin. We are 1 mile north of our existing University location.

When will the move take place?

We will hopefully be moving August 13th after the completion of some needed repairs and improvements. We will resume play therapy sessions August 18th at the new Elgin location.

Is your phone number changing?

Yes! The new office number and direct line to Kelly Martin will be 806-340-0063, however our existing office number will still be in effect until February. Kathy and Allyson will have the same direct phone number as before.

Will my therapist be at the new location?

Kelly Martin, Kathy Dane, and Allyson Schmitt will all be practicing at the new Elgin Ave location. Katy McAlpine will begin her solo private practice August 25, 2025. She will be facilitating her sessions at the University location until August 21. Greg Johnston will relocate his private practice to another location and will be inside the University location until August 27th. Jodi and Sarah, two of our graduate student interns, will have concluded their coursework at the beginning of August and will continue on to their next endeavors.

Will my appointment time or day change?

Nope! All scheduled appointment times will stay the same unless you’ve requested a change. Only the location is different. Please contact your individual therapist if you are unsure of your next scheduled appointment.

What if I need my counselor during the time between moving and beginning sessions at the new location?

Kelly, Kathy, and Allyson will be available to conduct virtual parent consultation sessions, follow-up phone calls, or to return emails between August 13-August 15.

Is parking available at the new location?

Yes! Parking is available at the front of our offices with a wheelchair accessible ramp in the front. You may also park on the street as long as you are mindful of not blocking driveway access for our neighbors.

What happens to client files when a therapist is no longer at a practice?

The client files of Katy McAlpine belong to The Playroom Lubbock. You may complete a release of information form for us to release your files to Katy if you will be continuing on with her practice. We are happy to transfer those files to her securely and directly upon receipt of the form. The client files of Dr. Greg Johnston belong to him.

Will there be changes to who you serve as clients?

While the past 10 years we have offered services for clients ages 3-young adult, our current scope of practice and focus will be on clients’ developmental ages of 2-12 (ish). It will be up to the discretion of each individual therapist to accept a prospective clients older than 12 years of age. We have a list of wonderful referrals for teenage and young adult clients.

Free Printables

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Understanding Behavior free printable sheet

Play and Child Mental Health

How Does a Play Therapist Help a Child Develop Empathy?

This is a very common and wonderful goal we hear parents communicate about their child. How is that accomplished through play therapy? 

Continue reading to discover how.

Theory of mind (ToM) is the ability to understand that other people have mental states, such as beliefs and desires, and that those mental states guide their behavior. Children typically develop ToM between the ages of 3 and 5, but the process is gradual and can continue throughout life.

Empathy is a complex skill that develops throughout childhood and life. Empathy is shaped by a range of factors including genetics, temperament, context, and environment.

In play, children take the real and possibly mundane or tragic parts of life, and mold them into new perspectives on objects, people, and events. They invent, role play, and impersonate. "This ability to switch perspectives on the world and inhabit someone else's skin results in an early understanding of other people's minds.”  Evan Kidd. During play therapy, the play therapist helps the child integrate discovery, knowledge, memory, and real time experience. This integration creates new brain pathways—pathways that recognize the underpinnings of empathy and perspective taking because of what was discovered and experienced during play. Play therapy helps a child to recognize feelings in herself, regulate her own emotional responses, imagine how someone might feel, and imagine what kind of action or response might help.

That is empathy.

How to Help Your Child Make Good Decisions

“Children learn how to make good decisions by making decisions, not by following directions.”  Alfie Kohn

We want our kids to make good decisions—and sometimes we parents feel better about ourselves and our sense of control when we make those decisions for them. Let's build some long lasting qualities in our kids with this play therapy technique you can try at home: returning responsibility. Try it on and replace some common phrases (continue reading) with ones that support their decision making “muscles.”

Returning responsibility is a play therapy technique you can use at home. This approach shifts the parent from being the problem-solver, to enabling the child to solve their own problems. When we return responsibility, children learn to weigh options, consider outcomes, and make choices that reflect their values and desires.

What it Sounds Like—

"I wonder what you could do about this situation?"

"What would be the first step to solving this problem?"

"What's your plan?"

"How do you plan to stick with your plan?"

"Will anyone get hurt or upset by your choice?"

"What options do you have here?"

"That's something you can decide.”

Let's Retire these phrases— 

"Make good choices."

"How many times do I have to tell you?"

"Be nice.”

"I'm not going to tell you again.”

"I expect you to do it the first time I tell you."

5 Things You Need to Know About Sensory Processing

Sensory development is often overlooked and under acknowledged when it comes to childhood behaviors and challenges. The sensory system begins developing while still in the womb (touch is the first to develop), with the most significant development happening during the first two years of life; most senses are considered fully developed by a child's second birthday, although each sense may develop at its own pace. Sensory challenges can often become noticeable during the toddler years and can interfere with daily activities, learning, socialization, and fine motor skills.

Here are the 5 things you need to know about Sensory Processing:

1. Our sensory system helps protect us as well as make sense of the world around us. 

Sensory Processing and Modulation is the ability to organize sensory information in a manner that allows for the "just right" response.

2. There are actually 8 sensory systems

• See (vision)

• Touch (tactile)

• Taste (gustatory)

• Smell (olfactory)

• Hear (auditory)

And the three sensory systems that you probably don't hear about as often:

• Proprioception (information from our joints/ muscles aka. Body awareness)

• Vestibular (information from our inner ear. aka our balance system)

• Interoception (information from our internal organs ex. thirst, hunger, full bladder) 

3. Sensory processing challenges can sometimes appear like other issues.

These issues include ADHD, anxiety, or other behavioral problems such as avoidance and refusals.

The way a person moves their body is also governed by sensory processing.

4. Sensory strategies are NOT effective while a child is having a meltdown.

Adding sensory strategies into everyday routines so our children's bodies are getting their needs met regularly is more effective than using them when the child is dysregulated.

5. Collaboration with Professionals is Key

Collaborating with an occupational therapist is an essential part of discovering what specific sensory systems are affecting your child's development and how to help. Play Therapy with a mental health professional trained in sensory processing can support emotional expression, self-esteem, nervous system regulation and communication. 

When Your Child is Intense about Their Special Interest

Do you have a child with very specific interests that they talk about and engage in with high intensity? (To the point where you and or their friends start to feel tired hearing about it? )

Let’s understand this and learn how to support them by first starting with the basics:

“Hyperfocus” is an intense form of concentration on a particular activity or interest whereas “Perseveration” is repetitive thinking or talking about a topic, often beyond what others may consider typical. Both can appear in children with neurodivergent profiles (e.g., autism, ADHD, anxiety), but they also show up in neurotypical children—especially during stages of emotional growth or learning.

• For kids with ADHD hyperfocus can be a way to regulate or soothe themselves.

• in Autism -as a form of special interest or comfort zone

• in Anxiety -as a form of control or predictability

• Or simply kids with passionate temperaments may hyper focus

Children often cling to topics they love because it feels safe, exciting, or empowering. Just like adults might rewatch a favorite show or dive deep into a hobby, kids use their interests to understand the world and regulate their emotions.

Be curious about what function hyperfocus serves for your child.  Ask your self: Is the intensity in this interest a

• Means to Emotional regulation: It helps them feel safe, in control, or soothed.

• Is it for Mastery and identity: Interests can boost self-esteem, especially if social or academic areas feel hard.

•   Is it for Escape or avoidance: It might protect them from stress, social difficulty, or boredom.

Here are some strategies to respond to and support your child:

1. Connect Before You Redirect

Start with curiosity and connection, not correction. You can say “Wow, you really love space! Tell me your favorite part about it.” This builds trust and shows you respect their world.

2. Validate the Need Behind the Interest. Try saying:

• “I notice you feel calm when you talk about Minecraft. That’s your safe zone.”

• “Dinosaurs help you feel in control when the day feels busy.”

Validation opens the door to deeper co-regulation.

3. Balance Interests With Social Coaching

Help them gently bridge their interest into social connection:

• Model questions: “What do you think your friend likes about dinosaurs?”

• Practice turn-taking: “You talk about Sonic, then ask them what they like.”

• Create social scripts: “If they don’t want to talk about Pokémon, you can say, ‘Okay, what do you want to play?’”

4. Use the Interest to Build Connection

Incorporate their passion into:

• Playdates (e.g., train-themed crafts with a peer)

• Therapy (e.g., using Lego to talk about feelings)

• Books and visuals (e.g., social stories using characters they love)

Join in occasionally with their passion. Create predictable routines that make room for the interest and transitions to other activities.

5. Set Gentle Boundaries When Needed

Too much of any interest can isolate. Use visual timers, transitions, or “interest time” zones.

“We’ll do 20 minutes of dino time, then 10 minutes of something together.”

Pair this with choices to increase flexibility.

Empathize with “I can see your brain really wants to stay on this. It’s hard to shift when you love something so much.”

⸻

Other phrases you can say:

• “You really love this particular video game. ]—tell me one cool new thing you learned today.”

• “Let’s set a timer so we can talk about [this interest] now, and then come back to it after dinner.”

• “I love how passionate you are. Let’s write your thoughts down so you can come back to them later.”

“I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed, I need to focus, can we have some quiet for a bit?”

See how these strategies work for you and your child!

Why I’m Throwing a "Fail-A-Bration"—And You Should Too by Kathy Dane

As many of you know, I love children’s books and am always sharing titles that I think can help kids (and their grown-ups) navigate life a little more easily. Today, I found an absolute gem: Fail-A-Bration by Brad and Kristi Montague.

In a world where we're constantly bombarded by everyone's highlight reels on TikTok, Facebook, and Instagram, this book is a breath of fresh air. It shines a light on the everyday mistakes, setbacks, and disappointments we all face—and normalizes them. It doesn’t just say “failure is okay”—it invites you to celebrate it.

Yep, party hats and all.

So many of the children I work with don’t know how to deal with failure or discouragement. When something doesn’t go their way, it can lead to big, overwhelming behaviors that leave parents feeling heartbroken and helpless. But this book shifts the narrative: What if we didn’t treat failure like the end of the road—but the beginning of something valuable?

Fail-A-Bration encourages us to throw a little party when things don’t go perfectly. Not because we’re brushing off the hard stuff, but because we’re honoring the courage it takes to try—and the lessons learned along the way.

It reminds me of Inside Out, the Disney movie that brilliantly illustrates how our most meaningful memories often come not from our greatest achievements, but from working through sadness and disappointment. There’s growth in the grief of “not yet.”

I just hung my final diploma on the wall—and I’m so proud of it. But I also glance at my first diploma and remember the not-so-proud moments: horsing around, getting bad grades, and barely scraping by. That diploma wasn’t a celebration—it was a wake-up call. But it sparked something in me. I didn’t want to feel that kind of disappointment again, so I kept trying. I kept learning. And I grew.

Without that failure, I wouldn't be here today.

Our kids need to know that perfection isn't the goal—resilience is. A lost baseball game or not getting invited to a birthday party can really sting, but those moments aren’t the end of the story. They’re chapters. And sometimes, they’re the ones that shape us the most.

So, next time your child stumbles, consider throwing a mini Fail-A-Bration. Make a silly cake. Do a happy dance. Laugh about it. And remind them: trying is worth celebrating.

Let’s normalize the mess-ups. Let’s model resilience. And let’s make some beautiful, meaningful memories—failures and all.

Here are Fail-A-Bration resources you can use in your family, classroom, or work setting!

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Coping is like an Inflatable Air Dancer

You know those tall, wavy air dancers outside stores? This week I was driving by Dusty Coast Sodas on Slide Road in Lubbock, TX. Their cactus inflatable air dancer caught my attention and spoke directly to my nervous system. Their intent was to lure me to pull into their drive-thru and order a soda. Instead, it waved a metaphorical message that I’m sharing now. These inflatable air dancers are wild, unpredictable, sometimes goofy—but they stay up as long as the air is flowing. That’s coping.

While the video above is neither a cactus, nor in Lubbock (we don’t have palm trees), it’s a visual nonetheless. Here’s how the metaphor plays out:

1. The Airflow = Your Coping Strategies

The dancer only stands because of the constant air being pumped in. That’s what coping is: the breath of support/connection, nervous system regulation, grounding, or comfort you use to stay upright during hard times. When the fan turns off, the dancer collapses—just like we do when we’re overwhelmed with no coping or regulation tools.

2. It’s Not Graceful, But It Works

The air dancer flails, dips, bends awkwardly—but it doesn’t fall. Coping doesn’t have to look smooth or polished. Crying, going on a walk (or crying on a walk); confiding in a friend, taking a nap, head-banging to music; using a sensory strategy, journaling—it might look messy, but it’s keeping you upright.

3. It Responds to Pressure and Wind

The dancer gets blown around by outside forces—just like we’re shaped by stress, trauma, or emotions. But with enough air inside (support and regulation), it adjusts and keeps moving.

4. You Need a Power Source

Coping takes energy. That power might come from relationships, routines, therapy, rest, and proper nutrition. Without that connection to something steady, it’s hard to keep your air flowing.

So if you feel like you’re flailing, that’s okay. You’re still standing. You’re still dancing.

Coping isn’t about stillness or perfection—it’s about movement, staying connected to your body, and showing up even when the wind hits hard.

Excessive Reactions in Youth Sports

Big emotions need coaching too! We often receive referrals for children whose emotional reactions are negatively impacting their relationships and sports performance. Let’s understand intense reactions in youth sports and find ways to support our children.

What Excessive Reactions Looks Like in Youth Sports (or any performance related activity):

Crying after a mistake or losing, slamming the ball, refusing to listen, yelling, shutting down

First of all, experiencing anger, frustration, anxiety, saltiness, and disgust are normal emotional experiences in sport. Strong emotional reactions in sports-like outbursts, tears, or frustration-are often signs of challenges with emotional regulation, not disrespect or defiance. These reactions aren't about 'bad behavior'; they're about kids learning how to cope with intense feelings in high-stakes, high-energy moments.

Emotional Regulation

Emotional Regulation is a dynamic process shaped by a combination of internal and external factors, with early experiences and the quality of caregiver-child relationships playing a particularly significant role in setting the foundation for healthy emotional development. Emotional regulation skills develop gradually throughout childhood, with initial foundations laid in infancy and toddlerhood through co-regulation with a secure caregiver. By around age 5, children are generally more adept at managing their emotions, and by 8 or 9, they often show much better control over their feelings by using cognitive strategies.

Emotions are part of the game

—let's help kids play through them, not punish them for feeling them.

Anxiety

"Anxiety is a normal part of competition. It's not a matter of whether or not you should have anxiety, it's about optimizing that anxiety so it works for you and not against you. I always tell people - and this is good, I think - the difference between anxiety and excitement is your interpretation of the arousal. The physiological arousal is literally, not kinda, the same." Dr. Kevin Chapman. Anxiety can look like anger when it is tied to performance and identity. A child could be concerned about the negative repercussions of playing poorly or losing. Their thoughts could be "I'm going to get ridiculed; I'm going to let my family down. If I play bad, I am bad. I can never live up to my parent's/coach's expectation."

The Role of Puberty

The advent of hormones paired with identity formation intensifies emotion. If a child doesn't have the necessary skills and the family has not modeled emotional regulation, your child will experience a hard time being able to tolerate stress, disappointment, and discomfort.

Competitive Parents

"We learn how to view sport, life, the classroom, achievement in general through the lens of our parents of origin or caregivers, depending on the context of the kid. So I learned to think about myself, the world around and my future - we call that the cognitive triad - through the lens of my family. Even if it's incorrect, until I get data later in life that refutes it, it's going to frame my childhood." Dr. Kevin Chapman

Ways to Support Your Child

1. Become curious about and discuss emotions: thoughts, behaviors, and sensations— to become an expert in their body cues

2. Practice brain-aligned regulatory strategies in non-stressful situations to build new brain pathways for stressful times. Brain-aligned strategies may include grounding techniques, breathing techniques, movement, or alerting sensory strategies such as ice, sour candy, bubbly drink

3. Teach muscle tensing/relaxation

4.   Become aware and mindful of your own (parent) emotional regulation.

5.   Model acknowledging your own parent emotions, verbalizing your coping strategy, and following through with it. Let your child experience you regulating your own day to day emotion.

Advocate for Your Child With a Coach

1. Start with partnership.

"We really appreciate your coaching and the way you support the team."

2. Share insight, not excuses.

"My child is working on emotional regulation-sometimes big feelings show up during games."

3. Offer collaboration.

"What strategies have you found helpful with other kids? I'd love to work together on this."

4. Keep it focused on growth.

"We're not expecting perfection-just opportunities to learn and be supported."

Kids thrive when the adults around them work as a team.

Key Points

•   Emotional regulation is a continuous process that develops over time.

•   Different strategies for managing emotions emerge at different ages.

•   While children develop self-regulation skills, they also learn from watching and interacting with adults.

•   Warm, responsive relationships are crucial for fostering emotional regulation in children.

• Normalize emotions. It's okay to feel frustrated, nervous, or disappointed.

•   Practice calming strategies. Deep breaths, body scans, or a reset routine.

•   Focus on effort, not just outcome. Celebrate growth and resilience.

•   Model emotional control. Kids mirror what they see from adults.

•   Debrief after games. Talk through what they felt and why.

Teens and Technology

By Katherine “Katy” McAlpine, MEd, LPC

What do most teenagers have in common these days? Smart phones. Most modern day parents are navigating the ins and outs of their teen children having access to the entire internet in the palm of their hands. Helping our teens navigate these developments in technology while keeping them safe and giving them autonomy can feel sticky sometimes. By reading this, my hopes are to help you and your teens come up with some harmonious plans for navigating what may seem at times uncertain technological waters. 

The first iPhone was released to the public in June of 2007. I (Katy McAlpine) was 15 at the time, about 6 months away from getting my driver’s license. I had a flip phone with a very limited amount of texts per month that I for sure, went over most months, driving my parents bonkers. There wasn’t even a camera or games to play! An iPhone wouldn’t make it into my hands till I was a sophomore in college, 5-6 years later. Preteens and teens these days will likely receive a smartphone as their first mobile device, typically between the ages of 10-13. 

Many parents are reporting either feeling overwhelmed by the technology their teens now have access to or feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of giving them a smartphone at some point in time. Let’s talk about the importance of access to technology and how to keep your kiddos safe while giving them the autonomy to have access. 

Teenagers are sharing that having smartphones helps them feel more connected to friends and out of town family. Teens are using technology for entertainment and educational purposes and for staying connected to the world around them, amongst other reasons. Our children even learn their schoolwork on and do the majority of their homework and test taking on devices, rather than pencil and paper. 

While many adults understand the importance of technology in our society and the importance of their teenage children being connected to technology, what parents of teens fear most tends to be exposure to inappropriate content, high levels of screen time, and unsafe cyber relationships/interactions or being preyed on by cyber predators. Here are some thoughts on how to establish safety while your teen is accessing technology and having collaborative and open conversations with them about it. 

Before giving your preteen or teen a smartphone, consider reflecting with your partner or co-parent about your motivation. Why are you wanting to give your preteen a smartphone? Are they in an afterschool or outside of school extracurricular or having sleepovers at friend’s houses? Do you want them to be able to contact you when they are at your co-parent’s house? Consider getting them a basic device such as those sold by Bark or Gabb. These devices let your child call or text only the contacts you’ve saved to the device and some have location services. You can feel a sense of security knowing they can contact you after their sport practice or if they want to come home early from the sleepover without the worry of them having access to the internet before they are developmentally ready.  

When it comes time to consider giving your kid a true smartphone or computer with internet access, having conversations with them about the importance of internet safety will be helpful. Help your teen understand what it means to have a conversation with a stranger over chat and give them some boundaries about internet etiquette. Set boundaries such as never giving away their phone number or home address and keeping private other detailed personal information such as gender, age, state they live in, or what school they go to. Have safety filters engaged on web browsers to limit access to adult content and talk to your teen about why you do that. 

When your child stumbles across explicit adult content and comes forward to you about that exposure, acknowledge your gratitude in them feeling secure enough to tell you. When they don’t tell you directly and you discover the exposure for yourself, being direct and compassionate with your teen is important. Acknowledge to them that their teenage brains are wired to be excited about novel content, that viewing pornography or otherwise explicit content can be both scary and intriguing. Help guide the conversation toward empathy and acknowledging why viewing such content can be harmful to their developing minds. 

Technology is an integral part of modern day society. Teens desire to be trusted with access to technology and parents want to give them autonomy to explore. Teenage minds are developing in a way that derives pleasure from novel and exciting experiences and technology is one way teens can receive that. We, as adults, can work with our teens to help them understand the importance of internet safety while having fun exploring something new to them. 

I’ve attached these resources as guides to having various conversations with your teens about technology. Some parents are navigating and assessing readiness before giving smartphones and some are navigating situations that have happened since having already given technology. My hopes are that you find these resources helpful in your journey as a parent with a teen! 

https://www.childrenandscreens.org/learn-explore/research/introducing-a-smartphone-assessing-readiness/

https://www.childrenandscreens.org/learn-explore/research/digital-addictions-a-family-guide-to-prevention-signs-and-treatment/

https://www.lookupnonprofit.com/techagreement

https://www.betterscreentime.com/am-i-ready-for-a-personal-device-a-self-evaluation-for-teens/

Conversation Hearts and Why They Matter

The History of Conversation Hearts

The evolution of conversation hearts has almost 180 years of history. The first American candy-making machine was actually first invented to cut throat lozenges thanks to pharmacist, Oliver Chase. His brother, Daniel, later discovered a way to stamp words onto candies using red vegetable dye. These candies, called “Hub Wafers” were surprisingly popular since they were cheap, durable, and lasted a long time. By 1901 the New England Confectionary Company started producing the heart-shaped candies. Throughout the years, they were considered a treat paired with a printed message that was enjoyed by children, expeditioners, soldiers, and loved ones.

“Written words are prevailing; at any time on any day, they can be read again, their comfort revisited, even from thousands of miles away.”

— Christie Bassett

With the fast pace of society and technology at our fingertips, our most loved ones can seem thousands of miles away sitting across the living room. One of the most important messages for us to hear from our children is “Play with me.” Their play IS their language. It is the way to discover SELF. It is the avenue to CONNECTion.

For International Play Therapy Week this week, we are giving current clients playful conversation heart tokens. (I should add, these are definitely a choking hazard, ARE NOT EDIBLE, and are meant to be kept out of the reach of young children and infants.)

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, the intention behind these playful conversation hearts is to promote communication, connection, and PLAY in families.

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10 Playful Ways to Use Conversation Hearts with Your Child or Teen

1. Let your child lead and show you a way to use them in play

2. Use them in a sensory bin: kinetic sand, rice, pom poms

3. Play hide and seek with them

4. Keep a bowl of them in a central location. Your child can use them as a bid for connection or as an invitation to play.

5. Use them as paint stamps

6. Select a heart and take turns writing the words with fingers on each other’s backs

7. Have a play day with your teen that includes something you’re typically inclined to say ‘no’ to. The conversation heart symbolizes the commitment to the day.

8. Journal about one of the words/phrases

9. Play a version of Truth or Dare with your teen. Select a token, answer a question or complete a dare. For example if “move” is drawn, the truth question could be “what ways do you most like moving your body?” The dare could be that the person gets to tell you how to move your body. (There’s always consent and the opt out option on dares!)

10. Use it as an after school car ride conversation starter.

"My Child Brags and Has an Inflated Sense of Self. How Do We Help?"

Childhood Lying, Storytelling, and Truth-telling

Many parents would agree that honesty and truthfulness are essential virtues to pass to their children. Defining honesty can be subjective. Different cultures may place varying emphasis on honesty and truth-telling— depending on social norms, values, and factors within a community—which influences how parents prioritize it. Generally, honesty is considered a positive value, but the nuances of how and when to tell the truth can vary depending on cultural context. For example, some cultures may prioritize directness while others prioritize social harmony and feelings of others over absolute honesty.

As children develop cognitively, parents may feel challenged in knowing how to respond to both a blossoming imagination and to lying while also instilling the virtue of honesty. Parents may be tempted to use correction and discipline as a first response to an alleged lie. As with all behavior, let’s dig beneath the behavior of lying and storytelling to understand the function of both and your child’s needs. It’s important to differentiate between playful storytelling and deliberate attempts to deceive—which serves a function!

Storytelling, and more specifically for the purpose of this blog post, telling tall-tales refers to children telling exaggerated stories using vivid imaginations to embellish experiences. They are a typical part of childhood development and are a fun way for children to explore communication, language skills, and creativity without necessarily intending to deceive. During early childhood, imaginative play is a significant part of their lives. They might blur the lines between reality and fiction. Tall-tales don’t need to be treated as a lie.

Lying is communication wherein children use language to say something different than either what they believe or than what they are experiencing. The intent is to deceive for a purpose: access to attention; access to a tangible item, for escape, or for stimulation.

Would you believe me if I said that six-year-olds lie on average every hour! (The University of Waterloo conducted research that found 96% of young children lie at some point. They are currently seeking research participants ages 8-11 to examine prosocial lies).

Access to attention: some children who use typical story-telling may begin to notice their story-telling being a means to connection or attention. Others around them may reinforce and “reward” the story-telling by laughing, paying more close attention, or asking for more. Parents may want to consider their child’s sources of connection, show the same level of enthusiasm and attention to everyday stories, and label grandiose stories like this: “That is an interesting story you created for your day today.”

Sometimes “escape” is a function of dishonesty in order to protect a child—whether it’s to protect their physical safety, their ego, their relational safety, their autonomy, or their sense of “okay-ness.” These lies may show up in a situation that a child made a mistake, feels embarrassed about, is trying to protect, or feels disempowered. “Escape” may show up as children and teens seek independence, assert their autonomy, and make decisions.

Children will also “escape” the discomfort that comes from receiving a consequence, feeling separated from a relationship, or any of the negative feelings that might come from a situation they are avoiding. For a child who tells a lie as a function to escape, parents can reduce the need to escape. It might look like validating their thoughts and feelings, problem solving with them, and delaying an immediate consequence. Many parents will tell their child “I won’t be mad if you just tell me the truth,” First children need to feel relationally safe in their negative emotions with their parent. Oftentimes parents skip past emotions a child might be feeling, leaving a child to work through or try to understand their emotions by themselves. Acknowledging a child’s feelings does not mean that a parent agrees with or approves of a behavior—and it certainly won’t reinforce an undesirable behavior. Children need to experience emotional safety before they can rely on a parent’s response.

“It’s important not to ask a question when it should be a statement. If you know your child did something, asking it as a question only creates more of a window for dishonesty. Often times, kids can feel like we are setting a trap for them if we ask the question when we already know the answer. It is a way of modeling honesty ourselves when we own what knowledge we have.”

— Tessellate Child and Family Therapy

Children may lie to receive access to tangible items. If they learn that being dishonest gets them access to something, they will use that strategy to get what they want or need. Has your child ever lied about completing a chore only to find them playing their video game? First, make a statement, then use the ACT Limit Setting model by Garry Landreth in this scenario. It could sound like this: “I’m noticing the sink isn’t clean. (Acknowledge the feeling) You really wanted to hurry and play your game—cleaning the sink feels gross and boring for you. (Communicate the Limit) The video game is not for playing until your chore is done. (Target an alternative). You can choose to use this glove and clean the sink or choose to put on music while you do it.” If providing choices and problem solving isn’t working, you can communicate a final limit: “If you choose to not complete your chore, you choose too not play your video game today.”

Lying can also be a way for a child seeking more sensory input. For example, a child might say they don’t have homework to do so that they can play outside with their friends after school (both sensory input and a social need). Consider the function of lying as opportunities for children to either access the sensory input their bodies are craving or to limit the amount of sensory input for their nervous and sensory systems to reach homeostasis.

While we discussed 4 functions of lies, not all lies have an intentional purpose to deceive. We also need to consider typical cognitive development of children. Children’s understanding of truth and falsehood evolves as they grow. The development of “theory of mind” allows children to understand that others have different thoughts and beliefs—meaning they can create a story different from reality. Basic theory of mind abilities begin around ages 3-4. You can “test” your child’s developing theory of mind by playing hide and seek with them. If your child delights in telling the seeker exactly where they plan to “hide,” they have not fully developed theory of mind. There is significant executive function development in the brain between ages 3-5 and continuing throughout adolescence and early adulthood. Children ages 3-5 develop focus, inhibition, and simple planning. Children ages 6-11 develop more complex planning, working memory, and flexibility. Adolescents ages 12-18 refine executive funtion skills including time management, prioritizing tasks, and adapting to new situations. Lying also serves a purpose to learn about cause and effect: children are naturally curious about the world around them and may experiment with reactions and testing boundaries.

Generally, parents are concerned about lying in children because they want their child to develop empathy and to behave morally. Children’s ability to understand the feelings of others (empathy) develops gradually. Early on they may not fully realize the impact of their lies on others. Parents are the best models of empathy as they help children understand their own feelings. Chidlren’s sense of morality also develops over time. It takes time for children to learn honesty and its role in maintaining trust and relationships. Ultimately we want to raise humans who have a sense of self-love, self-esteem, and self-confidence.

“The importance is that we can discern WHY we are lying, whether it is appropriate based on our instilled values or an avoidant/harmful reaction that requires accountability, responsibility, and making amends.”

— Kiva Schuler, Jai Institute for Parenting

How do you deal with childhood lying? While there is no formula for raising capable, resilient, and confident children, there are several things to consider.

1. Consider child development. Consider your child’s developmental age, not chronological age. What is typical for this developmental age?

2. Connect before correct. This requires for the parent to do an internal check and remain outwardly composed to communicate safety and to facilitate eventual open communication.

3. Curiously dig beneath the behavior of lying

4. Make a statement or state facts about what you’re noticing

Is it acceptable for a parent to express theirdisapproval of intentional lying? Parents certainly can tell their child that honesty is an important value and how it can hurt trust in relationships. It can sound like “In our family, it’s important to know that we can tell the truth to each other so that we a figure things out together.” Children must experience THE PARENT as a safe person to tell the truth to. Parents can model honesty in their own actions and interactions. For example: “I made a mistake in a report I wrote for work today. I told my boss so we could fix it.” Discuss honesty as a core family value and the natural consequences of lying.

What are other ways to confront lying?

“I’m so glad you told me what happened. Let’s work together to sort things out.”

“I noticed that seems a bit different from what you told me. Can you help me understand what really happened?”

“Hey, I’m going to the kitchen to do some dishes. I’ll come back to see if you decide to change your answer to what happened. This is just a truth check.”

For adolescents: “You’ve gotten yourself into a really bad position. You are managing that position by lying to yourself which also involves lying to me. I’m going to set aside the ‘lying to me’ part for now, but you’ve got to figure out how to fix the problem you’ve created for yourself, and I’m here to help you.” (By Lisa Damour)

Other resources:

Lying, Sneaking, Cheating

When Your Children Lie

When Telling the Truth is a Bad Idea

Why I was Happy When my Son Started Lying

How to Get the Most Out of Your Experience with Us

Parents and caregivers are an integral part of a child or teen’s therapeutic journey.

Collaboration with your child’s therapist includes parent consultation sessions and communication that are best enhanced by openness, trust, and mutual respect . We understand the vulnerability you may feel as a collaborator. You are an integral part of this process.

Consistency in the therapeutic process sets your child up for positive outcomes. This includes consistent communication with the therapist, consistent scheduling, appointment keeping, and consistent application of learned strategies.

Therapy is quite an investment. It’s an investment in time, finances, and emotions. It’s crucial to have an understandingof the purpose and goals of the process and of any therapeutic intervention. Your therapist has the responsibility of providing that information and you have the responsibility of asking questions, seeking the information that you need, and advocating for yourself and your child.

There is no doubt the therapeutic process can feel uncomfortable and challenging for both you and your child in order for growth to emerge. As long as the process and therapist feel safe, you have an understanding of the intervention, you feel respected and valued, and the process will serve your child’s needs , you have a choice to make a commitment to the process. This is a time, financial, and emotional commitment. At any time you can discontinue the therapeutic process. We just ask to be mindful of your child and to collaborate with your therapist on how to best transition away from the process.

Finally, responsiveness is a key ingredient to positive outcomes: responding to and integrating that which you’re learning in the process and to therapist feedback and insights. The therapy process is not your child’s to tackle alone. For best outcomes, your responsiveness is not only welcomed, but necessary.

A Tale from Colorful Colorado

A couple of weekends ago I reunited with friends who live in south central Colorado—also home to both active and inactive mines of copper, gold, iron, and lead. As we hiked through the woods and dry river beds, one of my friends told a story about his excitement uncovering a speck of gold while exploring on a previous hike. When he examined the gold more closely, he removed his polarized sunglasses to humbly discover it was most definitely not gold. As he finished telling the story we all laughed, and I said that there was a lesson in that for all of us—to ask ourselves what do we see with polarized vision? If I have your attention, keep reading below…

Polarized sunglasses use a chemical filter to block horizontal light waves (glare) while allowing vertical light to pass through. Polarization divides. Polarized lenses provide more clarity since the glare is removed, but objects may be a bit darker than usual. Psychologist George Kelly observed that our beliefs are like pairs of reality goggles (or in this case, polarized sunglasses). We use them to make sense of the world and to navigate our surroundings. Our differences are due to how we interpret and predict the world around us. We develop personal constructs and a threat to these will crack our polarized sunglasses—leaving our vision blurred. George Kelly noticed that rather than trying on a different pair of “goggles,” we twist and turn until we find an angle of vision that keeps our current views intact. With polarized lenses, if you tilt your head sideways, the horizontal glare will pass through the glasses, making the surface look brighter. See example of head tilt below. ;)

Continuing on…we tend to interact with people who share our beliefs. Group polarization is a social psychology phenomenon where one’s opinions and attitudes are amplified by involvement in a group. “Peripheral members of a group fit in and gain status by following the lead of the most prototypical member of the group, who often holds the most intense views.” (Adam Grant in Think Again). Psychologists further find that many of our beliefs are cultural truisms: widely shared, but rarely questioned. Group polarization is found in the world of politics; investment decisions; social media platforms; academic environments, and parenting practices to name a few.

Back to my original question: What do we see with polarized vision? What is being divided? What’s the key to living in unity yet celebrating individuality? How can we collectively and colorfully coexist and embrace change? I do not possess those keys—but I find answers in nature (see above); I read books; I ask questions; I listen; and I remove my polarized sunglasses. Let’s start with a values check below.

What are your values?

Mark Manson in his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck says it quite frankly:

“Good values are 1) reality-based 2) socially constructive, and 3) immediate and controllable

Bad values are 1) superstitious; 2) socially destructive 3) not immediate or controllable.

You’ll notice that good, healthy values are achieved internally. Bad values are generally reliant on external events.”

Brene Brown takes a deep dive into values and in the power of resetting. If you want to examine your values, she has a Living Into Our Values exercise that you can check out here.

How can you become Curious and Ask Questions?

“It’s a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn’t want to hear." Attributed to Dick Cavett

Update your personal constructs by getting curious and asking questions. “Growth is an endlessly iterative process.” Mark Manson.

On our hike I noticed these lovely flowering plants with velvety leaves. I asked out loud if they were safe to touch. Not only are they safe to touch, but I was informed that the Mullein leaves are “nature’s toilet paper.” So with my curious question asking, I now have ass saving information to utilize in the future.

With Whom Can You Engage in Reflective Listening?

The most effective way to help others open their minds is often to listen.” Adam Grant

“It’s easy to think we’re listening when we’re really not. Instead of listening we are often waiting for [the other person] to finish talking so that we can share a thought that came to mind soon after they got started. That’s not listening, that’s turn taking.” (by Lisa Damour from Emotional Lives of Teenagers)

And let me tell you, many adults are not even good at turn taking. Adam Grant in Think Again goes on to say “Listening well is more than a matter of talking less. It’s a set of skills in asking and responding. It starts with showing more interest in other people’s interests rather than trying to judge their status or prove our own.” Journalist Kate Murphy writes, “We can all get better at asking ‘truly curious questions that don’t have the hidden agenda of fixing, saving, advising, convincing, or correcting.”

I adore these twirly seedlings. They are whimsical and purposeful as the wind carries them to establish new life. If we are brave enough to remove our polarized sunglasses, we are opening ourselves to seeing new light pour in. We might notice the sparkly twirly seedlings. May we also be open to updating our values, asking questions, practicing reflective listening, and thus being carried to new ground to begin growing again.

Happy Birthday Playroom Lubbock

n August of 2015 with a child starting Kindergarten and a two year old in tow, I opened the doors of the Playroom Lubbock. Just barely. The construction of my build out was not entirely complete, but with 7 clients and a fully furnished play therapy playroom, the grand adventure moved forward, evolved, and transformed over time. Each time a child steps inside our door I consider each one a grand adventure. Year 9 is full of possibilities, becoming, wondering, wandering, and finding our way along the way. Adventure was, is now, and awaits.

How would you complete this sentence: Adventure is______________.

For me, adventure is both a frame of mind and also a lived, breathed experience. Adventure is experiencing both being fully alive and fully human. Adventure comes in both small and large packages. It plays hide and seek in the unknown waiting patiently for us to bravely pursue it. Adventure can arrive to one recipient; can be shared amongst trusted humans; can be held and embodied by strangers sharing the same space and time; can be cultivated through a community willing to share in its delight; and can be discovered through the attributes and laws of nature.

The world breathes over me and anticipates for me to accept her offering of adventure. If only I pause to inhale, my exhale is my response and intention: to grab hold of the adventure (full of both uncertainties and wonder) OR to recognize when the adventure is not for me (yet or at all) and to let the wind carry it on.

Adventure is not without doubt, discomfort, mess ups, and second guesses. And when does adventure begin or end? After all it is not defined by the parameters of time. Adventure is in the preparation, it’s in the present, and it’s in hindsight.

Many of you may remember from previous emails that I embarked on an adventure to train for a triathlon this summer. The preparation most definitely contained doubt, mess ups, and second guesses. It also contained surprise, delight, confidence, and slow and steady progress. During the scheduled triathlon event, a new adventure emerged: physical, emotional, and mental fortitude.

And in looking back on the completed triathlon, I rediscovered the value of community and supportive friendships. If your people are not running the race with you, who is on the sidelines cheering your adventurous spirit on?

Lastly, adventure is transformative. The Middle English 1300s version (aventuren) meant “to risk the loss of.” You are not who you used to be before the adventure. By adventuring, are you willing to risk the loss of who you once thought you were? How can we view the subtle and drastic transformations in our lives as beautiful things?

For our birthday month at the Playroom Lubbock we want to offer opportunities for you and your child to experience adventure. One of my favorite memories of adventure as a kid included going to camp and making friendship bracelets. The rhythmic process of tying loops of thread felt comforting. Adventure is also found in the act of sharing, exchanging, and receiving of bracelets with others. For the remainder of the month current clients will receive a threaded friendship bracelet in honor of their adventure.

We have at least three more upcoming opportunities for adventure to offer our community (not exclusively for clients). Two of them are FREE. One is a reduced price!

Kids ages 4-10 can adventure on their yoga mats for a pop up Yoga Calm class where we will read Anna and Her Colored Yoga Mats—a book about friendship, happiness, and self-esteem.

We are collaborating with a new Lubbock business, Tutu School Lubbock, to host a FREE Pirouette Play Date for kids ages 18 months - 8 years old. Tutu School Lubbock is a boutique style ballet school that believes every child should have to opportunity to twirl, use their imagination, and develop their motor skills.

For adults working with or raising teenagers, we are hosting a FREE virtual discussion of the book “Emotional Lives of Teenagers” by Lisa Damour. Grab your copy and begin reading!

Check out our Events Tab for more details!

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