Many parents would agree that honesty and truthfulness are essential virtues to pass to their children. Defining honesty can be subjective. Different cultures may place varying emphasis on honesty and truth-telling— depending on social norms, values, and factors within a community—which influences how parents prioritize it. Generally, honesty is considered a positive value, but the nuances of how and when to tell the truth can vary depending on cultural context. For example, some cultures may prioritize directness while others prioritize social harmony and feelings of others over absolute honesty.
As children develop cognitively, parents may feel challenged in knowing how to respond to both a blossoming imagination and to lying while also instilling the virtue of honesty. Parents may be tempted to use correction and discipline as a first response to an alleged lie. As with all behavior, let’s dig beneath the behavior of lying and storytelling to understand the function of both and your child’s needs. It’s important to differentiate between playful storytelling and deliberate attempts to deceive—which serves a function!
Storytelling, and more specifically for the purpose of this blog post, telling tall-tales refers to children telling exaggerated stories using vivid imaginations to embellish experiences. They are a typical part of childhood development and are a fun way for children to explore communication, language skills, and creativity without necessarily intending to deceive. During early childhood, imaginative play is a significant part of their lives. They might blur the lines between reality and fiction. Tall-tales don’t need to be treated as a lie.
Lying is communication wherein children use language to say something different than either what they believe or than what they are experiencing. The intent is to deceive for a purpose: access to attention; access to a tangible item, for escape, or for stimulation.
Would you believe me if I said that six-year-olds lie on average every hour! (The University of Waterloo conducted research that found 96% of young children lie at some point. They are currently seeking research participants ages 8-11 to examine prosocial lies).
Access to attention: some children who use typical story-telling may begin to notice their story-telling being a means to connection or attention. Others around them may reinforce and “reward” the story-telling by laughing, paying more close attention, or asking for more. Parents may want to consider their child’s sources of connection, show the same level of enthusiasm and attention to everyday stories, and label grandiose stories like this: “That is an interesting story you created for your day today.”
Sometimes “escape” is a function of dishonesty in order to protect a child—whether it’s to protect their physical safety, their ego, their relational safety, their autonomy, or their sense of “okay-ness.” These lies may show up in a situation that a child made a mistake, feels embarrassed about, is trying to protect, or feels disempowered. “Escape” may show up as children and teens seek independence, assert their autonomy, and make decisions.
Children will also “escape” the discomfort that comes from receiving a consequence, feeling separated from a relationship, or any of the negative feelings that might come from a situation they are avoiding. For a child who tells a lie as a function to escape, parents can reduce the need to escape. It might look like validating their thoughts and feelings, problem solving with them, and delaying an immediate consequence. Many parents will tell their child “I won’t be mad if you just tell me the truth,” First children need to feel relationally safe in their negative emotions with their parent. Oftentimes parents skip past emotions a child might be feeling, leaving a child to work through or try to understand their emotions by themselves. Acknowledging a child’s feelings does not mean that a parent agrees with or approves of a behavior—and it certainly won’t reinforce an undesirable behavior. Children need to experience emotional safety before they can rely on a parent’s response.
“It’s important not to ask a question when it should be a statement. If you know your child did something, asking it as a question only creates more of a window for dishonesty. Often times, kids can feel like we are setting a trap for them if we ask the question when we already know the answer. It is a way of modeling honesty ourselves when we own what knowledge we have.”
Children may lie to receive access to tangible items. If they learn that being dishonest gets them access to something, they will use that strategy to get what they want or need. Has your child ever lied about completing a chore only to find them playing their video game? First, make a statement, then use the ACT Limit Setting model by Garry Landreth in this scenario. It could sound like this: “I’m noticing the sink isn’t clean. (Acknowledge the feeling) You really wanted to hurry and play your game—cleaning the sink feels gross and boring for you. (Communicate the Limit) The video game is not for playing until your chore is done. (Target an alternative). You can choose to use this glove and clean the sink or choose to put on music while you do it.” If providing choices and problem solving isn’t working, you can communicate a final limit: “If you choose to not complete your chore, you choose too not play your video game today.”
Lying can also be a way for a child seeking more sensory input. For example, a child might say they don’t have homework to do so that they can play outside with their friends after school (both sensory input and a social need). Consider the function of lying as opportunities for children to either access the sensory input their bodies are craving or to limit the amount of sensory input for their nervous and sensory systems to reach homeostasis.
While we discussed 4 functions of lies, not all lies have an intentional purpose to deceive. We also need to consider typical cognitive development of children. Children’s understanding of truth and falsehood evolves as they grow. The development of “theory of mind” allows children to understand that others have different thoughts and beliefs—meaning they can create a story different from reality. Basic theory of mind abilities begin around ages 3-4. You can “test” your child’s developing theory of mind by playing hide and seek with them. If your child delights in telling the seeker exactly where they plan to “hide,” they have not fully developed theory of mind. There is significant executive function development in the brain between ages 3-5 and continuing throughout adolescence and early adulthood. Children ages 3-5 develop focus, inhibition, and simple planning. Children ages 6-11 develop more complex planning, working memory, and flexibility. Adolescents ages 12-18 refine executive funtion skills including time management, prioritizing tasks, and adapting to new situations. Lying also serves a purpose to learn about cause and effect: children are naturally curious about the world around them and may experiment with reactions and testing boundaries.
Generally, parents are concerned about lying in children because they want their child to develop empathy and to behave morally. Children’s ability to understand the feelings of others (empathy) develops gradually. Early on they may not fully realize the impact of their lies on others. Parents are the best models of empathy as they help children understand their own feelings. Chidlren’s sense of morality also develops over time. It takes time for children to learn honesty and its role in maintaining trust and relationships. Ultimately we want to raise humans who have a sense of self-love, self-esteem, and self-confidence.
“The importance is that we can discern WHY we are lying, whether it is appropriate based on our instilled values or an avoidant/harmful reaction that requires accountability, responsibility, and making amends.”
How do you deal with childhood lying? While there is no formula for raising capable, resilient, and confident children, there are several things to consider.
Consider child development. Consider your child’s developmental age, not chronological age. What is typical for this developmental age?
Connect before correct. This requires for the parent to do an internal check and remain outwardly composed to communicate safety and to facilitate eventual open communication.
Curiously dig beneath the behavior of lying
Make a statement or state facts about what you’re noticing
Is it acceptable for a parent to express theirdisapproval of intentional lying? Parents certainly can tell their child that honesty is an important value and how it can hurt trust in relationships. It can sound like “In our family, it’s important to know that we can tell the truth to each other so that we a figure things out together.” Children must experience THE PARENT as a safe person to tell the truth to. Parents can model honesty in their own actions and interactions. For example: “I made a mistake in a report I wrote for work today. I told my boss so we could fix it.” Discuss honesty as a core family value and the natural consequences of lying.
What are other ways to confront lying?
“I’m so glad you told me what happened. Let’s work together to sort things out.”
“I noticed that seems a bit different from what you told me. Can you help me understand what really happened?”
“Hey, I’m going to the kitchen to do some dishes. I’ll come back to see if you decide to change your answer to what happened. This is just a truth check.”
For adolescents: “You’ve gotten yourself into a really bad position. You are managing that position by lying to yourself which also involves lying to me. I’m going to set aside the ‘lying to me’ part for now, but you’ve got to figure out how to fix the problem you’ve created for yourself, and I’m here to help you.” (By Lisa Damour)
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