Children Aren't Manipulating--They're Communicating

Children Aren’t Manipulating—They’re Communicating by Kathy Dane

“When we’re children, we communicate like musicians who are still learning to play their instruments.” — Brad Montague

Young children are often misunderstood when their behavior is labeled as manipulative or defiant. But neuroscience and developmental psychology tell us a different story: children are not trying to control adults—they’re trying to communicate unmet needs in the only way their developing brains allow.

The prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, planning, and emotional regulation—is one of the last areas to fully develop. In fact, it continues maturing well into a person’s mid-twenties (Casey et al., 2005). This means that young children often operate from more reactive, emotional brain regions (like the amygdala), rather than intentionally calculated decision-making.

Developmentally, children do not yet have the language skills or self-awareness to express complex internal experiences. Instead, they "speak" through behavior. Montague’s quote captures this beautifully: children are still learning how to use the instruments of communication and self-regulation. Tantrums, refusals, or tears are not signs of manipulation but attempts to be heard.

Language plays a powerful role in this process. Research shows that the words children hear from caregivers become the foundation of their inner voice—a process that begins with private speech (talking aloud to oneself) and gradually becomes internalized as self-talk (Winsler et al., 2009). Over time, the way we speak to children shapes how they speak to themselves.

This makes the adult’s choice of language critical. When we respond with empathy, curiosity, and clear boundaries, we help build a child’s brain architecture in ways that support long-term emotional regulation and resilience. In contrast, when we label behavior as manipulative or bad, we risk planting seeds of shame that can become part of a child’s self-concept.

Ultimately, children do not need correction nearly as much as they need connection. When we view behavior through the lens of development and need, we can respond not with frustration—but with compassion.

Kathleen Dane, MS, LPC Associate utilizes play therapy with child clients at Playroom Lubbock. She’s under the clinical supervision of Kelly Martin, MEd, LPC-S, RPT-S

References

Casey, B. J., Tottenham, N., Liston, C., & Durston, S. (2005). Imaging the developing brain: What have we learned about cognitive development? Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 9(3), 104–110. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2005.01.011

Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2007). The science of early childhood development. https://developingchild.harvard.edu

Day, A., & Smith, C. (2013). Understanding the role of private speech in children's emotion regulation. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 28(2), 405–414. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ecresq.2012.12.001

Montague, B. (2019). Becoming better grownups: Rediscovering what matters and remembering how to fly. Avery.

Moriguchi, Y., & Hiraki, K. (2013). Prefrontal cortex and executive function in young children: A review of NIRS studies. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 7, 867. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2013.00867

Whedon, M., Holochwost, S. J., & Winsler, A. (2021). Private speech and the development of self-regulation: The importance of temperamental anger. Infant and Child Development, 30(6), e2293. https://doi.org/10.1002/icd.2293

Winsler, A., Fernyhough, C., & Montero, I. (2009). Private speech, executive functioning, and the development of verbal self-regulation. Cambridge University Press

5 Things You Need to Know About Sensory Processing

Sensory development is often overlooked and under acknowledged when it comes to childhood behaviors and challenges. The sensory system begins developing while still in the womb (touch is the first to develop), with the most significant development happening during the first two years of life; most senses are considered fully developed by a child's second birthday, although each sense may develop at its own pace. Sensory challenges can often become noticeable during the toddler years and can interfere with daily activities, learning, socialization, and fine motor skills.

Here are the 5 things you need to know about Sensory Processing:

1. Our sensory system helps protect us as well as make sense of the world around us. 

Sensory Processing and Modulation is the ability to organize sensory information in a manner that allows for the "just right" response.

2. There are actually 8 sensory systems

• See (vision)

• Touch (tactile)

• Taste (gustatory)

• Smell (olfactory)

• Hear (auditory)

And the three sensory systems that you probably don't hear about as often:

• Proprioception (information from our joints/ muscles aka. Body awareness)

• Vestibular (information from our inner ear. aka our balance system)

• Interoception (information from our internal organs ex. thirst, hunger, full bladder) 

3. Sensory processing challenges can sometimes appear like other issues.

These issues include ADHD, anxiety, or other behavioral problems such as avoidance and refusals.

The way a person moves their body is also governed by sensory processing.

4. Sensory strategies are NOT effective while a child is having a meltdown.

Adding sensory strategies into everyday routines so our children's bodies are getting their needs met regularly is more effective than using them when the child is dysregulated.

5. Collaboration with Professionals is Key

Collaborating with an occupational therapist is an essential part of discovering what specific sensory systems are affecting your child's development and how to help. Play Therapy with a mental health professional trained in sensory processing can support emotional expression, self-esteem, nervous system regulation and communication. 

Childhood Lying, Storytelling, and Truth-telling

Many parents would agree that honesty and truthfulness are essential virtues to pass to their children. Defining honesty can be subjective. Different cultures may place varying emphasis on honesty and truth-telling— depending on social norms, values, and factors within a community—which influences how parents prioritize it. Generally, honesty is considered a positive value, but the nuances of how and when to tell the truth can vary depending on cultural context. For example, some cultures may prioritize directness while others prioritize social harmony and feelings of others over absolute honesty.

As children develop cognitively, parents may feel challenged in knowing how to respond to both a blossoming imagination and to lying while also instilling the virtue of honesty. Parents may be tempted to use correction and discipline as a first response to an alleged lie. As with all behavior, let’s dig beneath the behavior of lying and storytelling to understand the function of both and your child’s needs. It’s important to differentiate between playful storytelling and deliberate attempts to deceive—which serves a function!

Storytelling, and more specifically for the purpose of this blog post, telling tall-tales refers to children telling exaggerated stories using vivid imaginations to embellish experiences. They are a typical part of childhood development and are a fun way for children to explore communication, language skills, and creativity without necessarily intending to deceive. During early childhood, imaginative play is a significant part of their lives. They might blur the lines between reality and fiction. Tall-tales don’t need to be treated as a lie.

Lying is communication wherein children use language to say something different than either what they believe or than what they are experiencing. The intent is to deceive for a purpose: access to attention; access to a tangible item, for escape, or for stimulation.

Would you believe me if I said that six-year-olds lie on average every hour! (The University of Waterloo conducted research that found 96% of young children lie at some point. They are currently seeking research participants ages 8-11 to examine prosocial lies).

Access to attention: some children who use typical story-telling may begin to notice their story-telling being a means to connection or attention. Others around them may reinforce and “reward” the story-telling by laughing, paying more close attention, or asking for more. Parents may want to consider their child’s sources of connection, show the same level of enthusiasm and attention to everyday stories, and label grandiose stories like this: “That is an interesting story you created for your day today.”

Sometimes “escape” is a function of dishonesty in order to protect a child—whether it’s to protect their physical safety, their ego, their relational safety, their autonomy, or their sense of “okay-ness.” These lies may show up in a situation that a child made a mistake, feels embarrassed about, is trying to protect, or feels disempowered. “Escape” may show up as children and teens seek independence, assert their autonomy, and make decisions.

Children will also “escape” the discomfort that comes from receiving a consequence, feeling separated from a relationship, or any of the negative feelings that might come from a situation they are avoiding. For a child who tells a lie as a function to escape, parents can reduce the need to escape. It might look like validating their thoughts and feelings, problem solving with them, and delaying an immediate consequence. Many parents will tell their child “I won’t be mad if you just tell me the truth,” First children need to feel relationally safe in their negative emotions with their parent. Oftentimes parents skip past emotions a child might be feeling, leaving a child to work through or try to understand their emotions by themselves. Acknowledging a child’s feelings does not mean that a parent agrees with or approves of a behavior—and it certainly won’t reinforce an undesirable behavior. Children need to experience emotional safety before they can rely on a parent’s response.

“It’s important not to ask a question when it should be a statement. If you know your child did something, asking it as a question only creates more of a window for dishonesty. Often times, kids can feel like we are setting a trap for them if we ask the question when we already know the answer. It is a way of modeling honesty ourselves when we own what knowledge we have.”

— Tessellate Child and Family Therapy

Children may lie to receive access to tangible items. If they learn that being dishonest gets them access to something, they will use that strategy to get what they want or need. Has your child ever lied about completing a chore only to find them playing their video game? First, make a statement, then use the ACT Limit Setting model by Garry Landreth in this scenario. It could sound like this: “I’m noticing the sink isn’t clean. (Acknowledge the feeling) You really wanted to hurry and play your game—cleaning the sink feels gross and boring for you. (Communicate the Limit) The video game is not for playing until your chore is done. (Target an alternative). You can choose to use this glove and clean the sink or choose to put on music while you do it.” If providing choices and problem solving isn’t working, you can communicate a final limit: “If you choose to not complete your chore, you choose too not play your video game today.”

Lying can also be a way for a child seeking more sensory input. For example, a child might say they don’t have homework to do so that they can play outside with their friends after school (both sensory input and a social need). Consider the function of lying as opportunities for children to either access the sensory input their bodies are craving or to limit the amount of sensory input for their nervous and sensory systems to reach homeostasis.

While we discussed 4 functions of lies, not all lies have an intentional purpose to deceive. We also need to consider typical cognitive development of children. Children’s understanding of truth and falsehood evolves as they grow. The development of “theory of mind” allows children to understand that others have different thoughts and beliefs—meaning they can create a story different from reality. Basic theory of mind abilities begin around ages 3-4. You can “test” your child’s developing theory of mind by playing hide and seek with them. If your child delights in telling the seeker exactly where they plan to “hide,” they have not fully developed theory of mind. There is significant executive function development in the brain between ages 3-5 and continuing throughout adolescence and early adulthood. Children ages 3-5 develop focus, inhibition, and simple planning. Children ages 6-11 develop more complex planning, working memory, and flexibility. Adolescents ages 12-18 refine executive funtion skills including time management, prioritizing tasks, and adapting to new situations. Lying also serves a purpose to learn about cause and effect: children are naturally curious about the world around them and may experiment with reactions and testing boundaries.

Generally, parents are concerned about lying in children because they want their child to develop empathy and to behave morally. Children’s ability to understand the feelings of others (empathy) develops gradually. Early on they may not fully realize the impact of their lies on others. Parents are the best models of empathy as they help children understand their own feelings. Chidlren’s sense of morality also develops over time. It takes time for children to learn honesty and its role in maintaining trust and relationships. Ultimately we want to raise humans who have a sense of self-love, self-esteem, and self-confidence.

“The importance is that we can discern WHY we are lying, whether it is appropriate based on our instilled values or an avoidant/harmful reaction that requires accountability, responsibility, and making amends.”

— Kiva Schuler, Jai Institute for Parenting

How do you deal with childhood lying? While there is no formula for raising capable, resilient, and confident children, there are several things to consider.

1. Consider child development. Consider your child’s developmental age, not chronological age. What is typical for this developmental age?

2. Connect before correct. This requires for the parent to do an internal check and remain outwardly composed to communicate safety and to facilitate eventual open communication.

3. Curiously dig beneath the behavior of lying

4. Make a statement or state facts about what you’re noticing

Is it acceptable for a parent to express theirdisapproval of intentional lying? Parents certainly can tell their child that honesty is an important value and how it can hurt trust in relationships. It can sound like “In our family, it’s important to know that we can tell the truth to each other so that we a figure things out together.” Children must experience THE PARENT as a safe person to tell the truth to. Parents can model honesty in their own actions and interactions. For example: “I made a mistake in a report I wrote for work today. I told my boss so we could fix it.” Discuss honesty as a core family value and the natural consequences of lying.

What are other ways to confront lying?

“I’m so glad you told me what happened. Let’s work together to sort things out.”

“I noticed that seems a bit different from what you told me. Can you help me understand what really happened?”

“Hey, I’m going to the kitchen to do some dishes. I’ll come back to see if you decide to change your answer to what happened. This is just a truth check.”

For adolescents: “You’ve gotten yourself into a really bad position. You are managing that position by lying to yourself which also involves lying to me. I’m going to set aside the ‘lying to me’ part for now, but you’ve got to figure out how to fix the problem you’ve created for yourself, and I’m here to help you.” (By Lisa Damour)

Other resources:

Lying, Sneaking, Cheating

When Your Children Lie

When Telling the Truth is a Bad Idea

Why I was Happy When my Son Started Lying

Conversations about Evaluations, Medication, Disabilities, and Diagnoses

How do I have a conversation with my child about:

A diagnostic evaluation/assessment

Medication

A disability/diagnosis

• Discussing an evaluation process/procedure in advance can help put your child at ease.

• The functional age of your child may determine how much, when, and in what way you discuss an evaluation, procedure, medication, diagnosis, or disability.

• Use simple straightforward language.

• Discuss any concerns your child might have as a result of the evaluation/appointment. Normalize feeling scared, worried, or confused and that it is okay to express those feelings even for experiences that may not be scary for some children.

• Follow your child’s lead about how much he or she wants to talk.

• Consider using an established special code word for your child to use to indicate discomfort, pain, or something your child needs you or a provider to know.

• Consider creating a visual “wait card” sign that your child can use during an appointment to indicate a need for a pause in conversation. Wait card signs can be personalized with your child’s picture or graphic/character of interest.

• Whenever possible, use terms and images suggested by your child as long as they are not denigrating

• If your child asks questions, keep your answers short and to the point

• If you’re not sure how to answer a question, just say, That’s a very good question. Let’s write it down and ask your doctor/the therapist at our next visit

• For some children, similes work best. For example,  ADHD is like if your pause button only works some of the time.

• For some children, using play, toys, drawings, or books can help guide a conversation and express feelings

• Be careful not to let your own anxiety propel you to provide too much reassurance or express too much concern.

• Explain the changes they can expect. (Side effects, change in routine, etc..). When you explain changes, it sends a message that you are aware, attentive, and can be trusted to handle this with them.

• Keep check-ins brief following an evaluation, procedure, introduction of medication

• Use positive language. Consider using the words “help” instead of “can’t”. For example, “hearing aids help you hear.”

• Older kids are usually aware of what’s hard for them and why they’re being evaluated, especially if you’ve had ongoing conversations about it.

• When applicable, be factual and descriptive. We can name specific types of disabilities and medical conditions or use general terms such as disability or disabled.

• The most essential guideline for disability language is to use whatever words each individual disabled person prefers. Don’t use the terms “handicapped,” “differently-abled,” or “special needs”

• During appointments make a point to turn to your child and address your child directly. Model talking to your child rather than talking about your child. “The Doctor wants to know how you describe ___________. What are your thoughts on that?”

• Depending on the circumstance and respect for privacy, consider who needs to be told about your child’s evaluation, disability, or medication. Who is involved in your child’s system of support? What information do they need to know? How can you facilitate communication among providers or disseminate information to providers?

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Customize these Examples 

“You know how sometimes it’s hard to ____________(focus, pay attention, stay calm, etc)? Use whatever words—or describe whatever situation—you think will be mostly meaningful to your child.

“It is a way for us to come up with a plan that will support you in your ________(learning/growing/day to day needs).”

 “Sometimes behavior/intense feelings isn’t a choice. It’s a reaction to what your brain is telling you.”

“Doctors have medicines for all kinds of things to help people.”

 “Hey, since you’ve been taking the medicine/going to therapy, do you notice anything different? Do you think it’s helping? Anything you don’t like about it?”

 “We are all different in some way and that we all do things every day to adjust to our unique circumstances.”

“What are some ways in which we are similar?”

 “The assessment/evaluation isn’t really a test but a series of activities. Some of them could be fun. You won’t get a grade and can’t fail—even if you don’t know the answers to some of the questions or how to do an activity. Try your best because the evaluation will help us understand how ________ (you learn best or how your brain and body work). We might even find out if you’ll get to work with other teachers or specialists who are trained to help kids with specific things.”

 “What plan can we come up with together about ________(how to ask for help, how to take medication, how to prepare for the appointment etc)?”