It’s time for a change.

Science says it’s time for a change. Educator burn out says it’s time for a change. Behavioral challenges in the classroom says it’s time for a change. There are ways to build accountability, empathy, and persistence in students—and the basic foundation is SAFETY in relationships.

Do you want sustainable behavioral changes?

Expanding academic capacities?

Optimizing learning and memory?

Improved mental health for both educators and students?

“Our education system is working from a model that views behaviors in isolation of the child’s body, mind, and relationships.” Mona Delahooke

Ask me about our “Integrating Neuro-Relational Approaches into School Culture” workshop customized for your campus and tailored to meet both educator and student needs and well-being. Presented by Kelly Martin, MEd, LPC-S, RPT-S, she guides participants in both an experiential and didactic learning environment.

• Discuss student behaviors through a neuro-relational framework

• Distinguish causes of behaviors and develop strategies for student support and preventative relational discipline protocols

• Integrate brain-aligned teacher and student practices into the classroom

• Examine the SECRET template and adjust, modify, and accommodate student’s needs to ensure feelings of safety and connection

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The “Integrating Neuro-Relational Approaches into School Culture” is best suited for a 6 hour learning experience for teachers, behavior support staff, and school counselors. Abbreviated versions can be adapted for administrators and other stakeholders in a 3 hour workshop.

Contact Kelly Martin for a quote: kelly@playroomlubbock.com

Kelly Martin is a dedicated and skilled Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor and Registered Play Therapist Supervisor with an exceptional 16 year tenure in the mental health field. Kelly possesses a strong teaching background serving as a current adjunct professor at Lubbock Christian University in the Psychology and Counseling Department; a sought after workshop presenter and group facilitator who has facilitated over 26 professional workshops and 2 group backpacking trips in the wilderness; a previously certified Texas educator with 3 years of classroom experience; and a previously certified Texas School Counselor with 4 years of elementary school counseling experience. She is a certified Level One DIR Floortime clinician. DIR Floortime is a multidisciplinary model most commonly used with children with educational, social emotional, mental health, and/or developmental challenges.

Kelly’s enthusiasm for child well-being is evident through her private practice at the Playroom Lubbock, where she counsels and uses play therapy with children and adolescents; supervises counselors in training; and provides support to parents and caregivers. Her dedication to understanding and advocating for children's needs underscores her passion for fostering positive growth and connections in their lives.

Kelly’s unique blend of experience, education, supervision and experiential training positions her to continue making a meaningful impact in the field of education and counseling.

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Turning Over a New Leaf

“Everyone I know starts again sometime in life. It is learning to accept the endings, to embrace the new beginnings, that makes all the difference. ”

— Joan Chittister

In the 16th century the pages of a book were referred to as leaves. This phrase and metaphor has been used since the 1500s to referring to changing course, starting afresh, writing a new page. Turning over a new leaf, whether intentional or forced, offers up a challenge: "to recognize that the circumstances of life are much less important than what we learnabout what it means to become fully human because of them." Joan Chittister in Called to Question: A spiritual memoir. 

"If i set my eyes on who i am becoming,
i can submit to the process of change
and commit to work
on my passions
on my capacities
on my mind
and on my body.
and, so long as i breathe, 
that commitment to next steps and newness
can last."

~ Justin McRoberts

The wilderness has become part of my (Kelly's) most recent pages. I have expanded my love of hiking and the outdoors to backpacking and camping. This summer I co-facilitated a women's backpacking trip with TrailBound Learning Co founder, Kayli Cross. In the backcountry of Colorado, 7 women and 1 dog covered 26 miles over 4 days of learning, stumbling, and gracefully connecting.

Three Weeks later I headed back to the Colorado wilderness except I brought my two sons to backpack in the San Isabel Forest and to raft the Arkansas River. Kayli, as the best therafriend she is, accompanied us with her dog Levi!

With this new leaf, "courage running wild" was written on our pages. It takes courage to adjust expectations. To adapt. To realize all that lays before you and to dig deep with your feet, your soul, and your paddle or pole. It takes courage to look up and breathe in the expansiveness around you. To question. To be fully exposed both on a mountainside's edge and fully exposed within the limits of your humanity with all your rawest reactions and physical needs. Courage runs wild to yield to rest. To allow joy and pain to cohabitate. To surprise yourself with possibility. To trust and lean on a rock or another living breathing being. Courage runs wild when you take the (bee) sting from out of nowhere and return to that place as your only means of returning "home." Courage runs wild when you say yes. When you say no. When you pause and wait out the storm. 

Courage runs wild when you poop in the forest. I said what I said.

"Every ordinary thing is infused with mystery." Barbara Holmes

How does courage run wild for you?

Parenting, caregiving, and teaching young people has a way of bringing us to terms with our own humanity (our strengths, desires, limitations). We invite you to turn a new leaf (page) in how you show up in the roles you serve in and the experiences you share with young people.

Here's a little guided practice--one that Kayli and I used with the participants on our women's backpacking trip. Find a piece of paper/journal and a writing utensil. It just makes this whole "turning over a new leaf" thing more tangible.

Sit with these prompts and jot down a few words to complete them.You decide  how to interpret each prompt.

I intend...
I bring...
I have...
I need...

And finally, I will leave you with some photos from backpacking and camping in the Rio Grande and San Isabel National Forests. Perhaps you’ll discover something mysterious in each of them!

The Road Goes Ever On: The Path From Childhood to Adulthood and All The In-betweens

There’s a road of development that we walk along throughout our lives. We start before we ever enter this world, weave our way through childhood and adolescence, and end up somewhere in adulthood (though that’s not the end of lifespan development!). Infancy and childhood is marked by significant brain and body development, beginning to learn how the world around us works and what our role within that world is. In adulthood, while our brain and body development are on their way to being complete, we find ourselves in a continuation of that lesson in understanding the world and our role in it, further solidifying our identities. While childhood is marked by great dependence on caregivers for our needs, adulthood is often quite the opposite; adults might find themselves in much more autonomous situations, making significant decisions for their own lives and having a grounded sense of self. 

“Adolescents find themselves craving autonomy and independence from their parents while at the same time, longing for the simple pleasures of childhood.”

— Katy McAlpine

In the middle of this road is the journey of adolescence. Adolescents, as defined by Oxford Languages, are “in the process of developing from a child to an adult”. As straight forward as that sounds, it’s a dance of growing out of dependence from childhood and into one’s own independence and identity.  Adolescents find themselves craving autonomy and independence from their parents while at the same time, longing for the simple pleasures of childhood. Adolescents are forming their own opinions about their lives and the world and yet, are still operating under their parent’s or guardian’s house/family rules and structure.

In order to move in step with an adolescent in this developmental dance so to speak, let’s first take a look at what research tells us is going on developmentally between the ages of 10-19 years old. Looking at lifespan development when working with teenage clients helps me, as a clinician, understand what’s going on in their brains that could be contributing to the choreography of their thoughts, feelings, and actions. Author, play therapist, and professor, Dee Ray tells us that 10 year olds typically think concretely and logically, have a “strong sense of right and wrong”, (from her book Therapist’s Guide to Child Development) and seek out emotional support through friendships. This age really seems to be the bridge for a lot of children between childhood and adolescence. We, as adults who interact with children regularly, see our 10 year olds choosing peer values over family values as this is the stage of development where they are really forming deeper relationships with their peers. 

Erik Erikson’s research on development aligns with this, through his Stages of Psychosocial Development. Erikson tells us that the stage of development for ages 5-12 is called Industry vs Inferiority. Our older kids in this stage are finding that their peer groups are becoming a major source of their self esteem. Children in this stage seek situations that help them achieve their goals. When children are successful in this, they feel a sense of industriousness whereas when they “put themselves out there” and are met with failure, they feel a sense of inferiority. The next stage, Identity vs Role Confusion is where our teenagers land. Individuals in this stage want to belong in society and are learning the “roles they will occupy as an adult”. This isn’t to say that we don’t continue shaping our identity well into adulthood, rather, this is the time we really start putting it all together and having a deeper understanding of ourselves. The hope for the end of this stage of development is that the individual will have a deeper sense of self, their values and beliefs, and how all this works together as they find their place in society. 

With this developmental information in mind, let’s consider what our preteens and teens might want us to understand about their lives. In my experience working with this age group, here are some things our teenagers want us, the adults in their lives (parents or guardians, teachers, counselors, etc.) to hear and understand about them. 

1. Being a teenager is both invigorating and at the same time so wildly tough. Teens are living in a world unlike any world their surrounding adults grew up in. With smartphone technology and instant access to world news, our teenagers are inputting significant amounts of information about the world around them. Teens want to be in the know about what’s happening across the globe, and at the same time, feel frightened by all of that information. They want to feel that there’s something they could do to make an impact and also want to know that they are safe. Having conversations with your teens, in age appropriate ways, about what’s happening in the world and what their views are on such events, can make them feel included and valued for their opinions.

2. It doesn’t feel good to be yelled at. Human beings are wired with a beautifully intricate nervous system, a network of neural pathways that does all kinds of things for our bodies, including signals to our brains when we feel threatened. Our nervous system might feel threatened when someone we’re interacting with raises their voice or clenches their fists. Finding a way to interact with teens, whether setting a boundary or expressing one’s own feelings about a situation, in a calm, emotionally regulated manner, may help interactions stay positive and your child more responsive. Taking a break from a heated conversation to splash some cold water on your face or sitting down and taking some deep breaths can help soothe your own nervous system and help you come back to the conversation with your teen in a more balanced state. “You know, my body is telling me it’s time to take a break. I’m going to go splash some cold water on my face, take a few deep breaths, and I’ll be back to check on you.” This models a way to advocate for yourself when needed and that you’ll be back to finish the conversation when you’re more able to stay present and receptive, rather than hot, angry, and reactive. 

3. Finally, your teenager might want you to know that being in this stage of life is conflicting at times and they’d like support, whether they verbalize that or not. They want to be ‘grown up’ and independent and they also want life to stay the same, or even, for it to go back to the way it was when they were little. They want to relish in the freedoms and mature responsibilities that come with being a teenager and yet they also want to soak up as much of their childhood as possible before it’s over. 

This road to adulthood is bumpy and often unpaved, sometimes the signs don’t make sense and sometimes they’re missing altogether. Sometimes all you want is to trudge forward, without looking back. Sometimes you’d like to find a nice log to sit on and just take a break. And other times still, you wonder if you’re allowed to go back. Having trusted and safe adults, along with some stellar friends, in one’s adolescent life to walk alongside you, makes the road a bit more manageable, navigable, and hopeful. 

“ It’s dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.
”

— Bilbo Baggins (from Lord of the Rings by J.R.R Tolkien)

By: Katy McAlpine, MEd, LPC

Katy is a Licensed Professional Counselor at the Playroom Lubbock specializing in adolescent and young adult mental health.

Conversations about Evaluations, Medication, Disabilities, and Diagnoses

How do I have a conversation with my child about:

A diagnostic evaluation/assessment

Medication

A disability/diagnosis

• Discussing an evaluation process/procedure in advance can help put your child at ease.

• The functional age of your child may determine how much, when, and in what way you discuss an evaluation, procedure, medication, diagnosis, or disability.

• Use simple straightforward language.

• Discuss any concerns your child might have as a result of the evaluation/appointment. Normalize feeling scared, worried, or confused and that it is okay to express those feelings even for experiences that may not be scary for some children.

• Follow your child’s lead about how much he or she wants to talk.

• Consider using an established special code word for your child to use to indicate discomfort, pain, or something your child needs you or a provider to know.

• Consider creating a visual “wait card” sign that your child can use during an appointment to indicate a need for a pause in conversation. Wait card signs can be personalized with your child’s picture or graphic/character of interest.

• Whenever possible, use terms and images suggested by your child as long as they are not denigrating

• If your child asks questions, keep your answers short and to the point

• If you’re not sure how to answer a question, just say, That’s a very good question. Let’s write it down and ask your doctor/the therapist at our next visit

• For some children, similes work best. For example,  ADHD is like if your pause button only works some of the time.

• For some children, using play, toys, drawings, or books can help guide a conversation and express feelings

• Be careful not to let your own anxiety propel you to provide too much reassurance or express too much concern.

• Explain the changes they can expect. (Side effects, change in routine, etc..). When you explain changes, it sends a message that you are aware, attentive, and can be trusted to handle this with them.

• Keep check-ins brief following an evaluation, procedure, introduction of medication

• Use positive language. Consider using the words “help” instead of “can’t”. For example, “hearing aids help you hear.”

• Older kids are usually aware of what’s hard for them and why they’re being evaluated, especially if you’ve had ongoing conversations about it.

• When applicable, be factual and descriptive. We can name specific types of disabilities and medical conditions or use general terms such as disability or disabled.

• The most essential guideline for disability language is to use whatever words each individual disabled person prefers. Don’t use the terms “handicapped,” “differently-abled,” or “special needs”

• During appointments make a point to turn to your child and address your child directly. Model talking to your child rather than talking about your child. “The Doctor wants to know how you describe ___________. What are your thoughts on that?”

• Depending on the circumstance and respect for privacy, consider who needs to be told about your child’s evaluation, disability, or medication. Who is involved in your child’s system of support? What information do they need to know? How can you facilitate communication among providers or disseminate information to providers?

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Customize these Examples 

“You know how sometimes it’s hard to ____________(focus, pay attention, stay calm, etc)? Use whatever words—or describe whatever situation—you think will be mostly meaningful to your child.

“It is a way for us to come up with a plan that will support you in your ________(learning/growing/day to day needs).”

 “Sometimes behavior/intense feelings isn’t a choice. It’s a reaction to what your brain is telling you.”

“Doctors have medicines for all kinds of things to help people.”

 “Hey, since you’ve been taking the medicine/going to therapy, do you notice anything different? Do you think it’s helping? Anything you don’t like about it?”

 “We are all different in some way and that we all do things every day to adjust to our unique circumstances.”

“What are some ways in which we are similar?”

 “The assessment/evaluation isn’t really a test but a series of activities. Some of them could be fun. You won’t get a grade and can’t fail—even if you don’t know the answers to some of the questions or how to do an activity. Try your best because the evaluation will help us understand how ________ (you learn best or how your brain and body work). We might even find out if you’ll get to work with other teachers or specialists who are trained to help kids with specific things.”

 “What plan can we come up with together about ________(how to ask for help, how to take medication, how to prepare for the appointment etc)?”

How Does Play Therapy Help My Child?

Lubbock Adolescent Counseling: Play Therapy for Teens and Tweens

Play therapy is an evidence based practice for children and adolescents and has many techniques for counselors to perform. (Bratton & Ray, 2000; Bratton, Ray, Rhine, & Jones, 2005; Gallo-Lopez & Shaefer, 2005; Roaten, 2011).

Working with a teen is very different than working with an adult client due to biological, developmental, and psychosocial tasks. Developmental tasks of teens include: physical maturation, sexual relationships, peer groups, emotional development, formal operations cognitive development, and identity development.

Because of the development of formal operational thought, preteens often vacillate between play that is more common to younger children and activities that appeal more to teenagers.

Play therapy can benefit preteens and teens struggling with depression, abuse, grief, addiction, adoption, ADHD, trauma, family stress, anxiety, relationships, problems with peers, identity, self-esteem, sensory processing issues, body image, anger issues, parent’s divorce, autism, etc.

Rather than teens doing therapy, they EXPERIENCE therapy. It is an opportunity to safely distance the self from problems through activity, creativity and imagination. Using a teen’s interests through play, sandtray figures, and expressive techniques will stimulate the teenager's desire and need to be expressive and create identity--which is central to this developmental stage. The positive therapeutic relationship that develops between a teenager and a counselor brings healing, forward movement, and relief of emotional stress. 

Expressive arts are a great tool to address new thoughts and feelings or communicate and rework perspective. It can include art, music, or movement such as yoga or dance.

Games and activities can be used to deal with anxiety, power and control issues, self-esteem, relationships and difficult behaviors. 

Sandtray invites adolescents to explore the uncertain world between childhood and adulthood and to explore the internal world and subconscious in a creative way by choosing miniature figures to place in a tray of sand. Sandtray allows clients to become mindful and allows clients the opportunity to blend memories, fantasies, wishes, and emotions without verbal constraints. (Rae, 2013)

““Appropriately structured creative art activities provide preteens with opportunities to change perceptions about self, others, and the world as they try out new roles and solutions...Furthermore, [they] facilitate a process of self-development, providing the preadolescent with the inner resources to cope with future difficulties.”
”

— — Bratton & Ferebee

Group therapy is quite effective for making friends, improving communication skills and learning coping skills from peers who experience similar challenges. When the opportunity is available to pair 2 or 3 preteens or teens, group activity therapy can be beneficial.

Trained play therapists can use play therapy with tweens and teens to

• Informally assess a client’s psychosocial and psychological functioning

• Build rapport

• Explore and facilitate expression a client’s inner world and emotions

• Build skills through psychoeducation

• Develop mastery, identity, and empowerment

• Relieve a client of stress
  

Lubbock Child Counseling: What is Play Therapy and How does it Work?

What is Play Therapy? What is Activity Therapy?

Play Therapy is to kids what counseling or talk therapy is to adults. Children use play as their natural language and the toys are their words. Play therapy allows a child to change the way they think about, feel toward, and resolve their concerns.  

For older kids and teens, the counselor will use activities, games, arts, crafts, and sand tray therapy to provide a non threatening means of communication. The activities are selected to help meet treatment goals, although the client is free to carry out the activity or interpret the activity in a way that best fits his/her needs and interests.

Why Play Therapy?

Play Therapy is effective for a wide variety of problems or concerns that affect or will affect the way a child functions at home, at school, or in the community. Child counselors can be and should be specially trained to strategically use play and specific toys to address a child's needs when the child does not have the verbal language to express their thoughts and feelings. The positive relationship between a therapist and child during play therapy can provide an experience that promotes well being and leads to emotional healing.

Play therapy demonstrates significant effectiveness for children and behavioral and emotional challenges. You may read more about play therapy as a successful evidence based practice here.

Who Can Benefit from Play Therapy?

Play Therapy is especially appropriate for kids ages 3-12. For older kids and teens, play provides a safe distance from problems and allows expression of thoughts and feelings. Play techniques for older kids and teens include sand tray therapy, expressive arts (painting, drawing, creating, sculpting, acting, singing), or activity therapy (constructing, building, balls, games, etc.)

What can play therapy do for my child?

Develop responsibility for behaviors

Develop problem solving skills

Learn to communicate with others

Develop respect and acceptance of self and others

Stimulate creative thinking and exploration

Express emotion 

Relieve stress

Cultivate empathy

Enhance social skills

Develop assuredness about personal abilities

How long does my child need play therapy?

Each child comes at his/her own pace and with his/her own needs. Therefore, the length of counseling varies.  Once the therapist attends an initial parent consultation with the parent/caregiver and it is established that the child will begin play therapy, the child needs sufficient time to develop a trusting and warm therapeutic relationship with the therapist in order to feel safe enough to express to the therapist through toys, sand, or expressive arts, his/her child's world view and perceptions of experiences. The amount of sessions a child attends may range from 4-12+ sessions.

What is the process?

Parent Consultations

During the initial parent consultation (without the child), the parent will have the opportunity to share concerns and background information about the child. The counselor will explain the therapy/counseling process and procedures and will provide a few forms to sign.

Parent consultations (again without the child) will continue every 4th session. These consultations allow the counselor to address the parent's concerns, allow parents to have a better understanding of the child, allow the therapist to share information about the child without breaking confidentiality, and allow both the counselor and parent to communicate progress. It’s a wonderful opportunity to collaborate with parents/caregivers in their efforts to support their child.

Play Therapy Sessions

These sessions are typically 45 minutes in length and may include play therapy, expressive arts, sand tray therapy, or activity therapy in a designated Playroom. The duration of counseling varies from child to child. Individual play therapy sessions include one child and the counselor. Group play therapy sessions include 2-3 children and the counselor.

The Association for Play Therapy outlines the stages of play therapy which helps inform parents of what to expect and guides play therapists during the process. You may read about them here.

What is a Registered Play Therapist?

An RPT is a licensed mental health professional specifically trained in employing the therapeutic power of play. We have extensive training and supervision in play therapy and child development, plus we are already licensed mental health therapists! We receive our RPT credentialing from the Association for Play Therapy (www.a4pt.org).

How does Play Therapy Work?

A Child Centered Play Therapist doesn’t suggest that clients play with a certain toy or work on a presenting problem. Instead, play therapists offer warmth, empathy and a gentle structure for clients to make their own meaning through the exploration and play they chose to engage in. Play reveals a child’s internal emotional world. Children have a unique voice in the playroom which doesn’t always include words. Roughly 70 percent of a play therapist’s work is nonverbal and 30 percent is verbal. When play therapy practitioners do speak, it is typically to offer reflection and encouragement on the play they are observing or to offer guidance such as setting limits.

Skilled play therapists can recognize play themes that reflect the child’s emotional needs and use them to help process their concerns. Play therapists respond to play themes, often saying back to the child what she is doing. Children appropriately interpret this as permission to continue, and delve deeper. It also promotes emotion regulation and mindfulness as the therapist attunes to the child, attends to the present, and pairs language with actions, thoughts, and feelings to facilitate integration.

Even though the reason that brought the child to therapy may not be that specific scenario, a skilled therapist uses this a child’s play to address underlying feelings such as helplessness, fear, or anger. As their play moves through specific stages, emotions become less overwhelming, and many families note that behavior outside of the sessions improves.

Promote Connection with Your Child

According to Dr. John Gottman (who by the way has 40 YEARS of research), people make attempts to get attention, affection, or acceptance. It is a bid for emotional connection. “Will you play with me?” is an obvious bid, but not all bids are so clear. They can be verbal or nonverbal. How we respond to our child’s bids has a great impact on our connectedness with our child and how they learn to connect with others. Bids can be positive (turning toward), negative (turning away), and no response (turning away). By giving a positive, loving response to the bid no matter what form it comes in, can fill your child’s emotional bank. Here are 25 ways to promote connection with your child:

1. Look your child in the eyes when they are talking. Be attentive.

2. Verbally acknowledge all feelings. “You’re disappointed it worked out that way.” “You’re angry she took that from you.” “You’re feeling lonely and want my attention.”

3. Listen to hear your child

4. Connect before correct. Come with intention, listening, and patience.

5. Ask them about their favorite things.

6. Notice something new/different about them.

7. Give a ‘yes’ answer. “Yes, I would love to. Give me about 5 minutes to finish this up.” “Yes we can schedule that after this…”

8. Use “How come?” instead of “Why”

9. Be fun and act silly

10. Be ready for mistakes and brush them off

11. Show affection (hug, high five, cuddles, shoulder squeeze, written note, loving text message)

12. Put away distractions

13. Be concerned about what they are concerned with—even if it seems trivial

14. Say “yes” to play

15. Greet with enthusiasm- in the morning, after school, or after any extended separation.

16. Give a 30 second burst of attention. Pause what you’re doing and give 30 seconds of undivided attention.

17. Laugh about things at the same time

18. Tell a story about your child

19. Look at family photos together

20. Watch their favorite show or movie

21. Create Something together

22. Spend extra time at bedtime

23. Say something you love about them

24. Go for a walk

25. Listen to music together in the car

Communication and Connection With Our Kids

We as adults often wonder how to best communicate with the tiny humans in our lives, whether they are our own children, nieces or nephews, our best friend's kiddos, or the kids we work with on a daily basis. Each child communicates in a way that works best for themselves and how they are developing and it can be difficult to understand what they are needing or wanting from you as an adult. Being able to communicate effectively with the tiny humans in our lives is essential to them feeling heard and understood. 

The book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, is a helpful tool to understanding the intricacies of childhood communication. It also contains helpful and amusing cartoons that show healthy and effective communication styles. In this article, I will review and highlight some important pointers from the book that may help you understand and communicate more effectively with the tiny humans in your life. 

The first thing the book talks about is helping children deal with their feelings. Feelings are part of everybody's everyday life and it shouldn't come as any surprise to know that children experience emotions just like we do. They are going through a whole new experience in life: constantly changing, growing, and developing. These new experiences can be really exciting but often also really overwhelming. One of the authors writes, "steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kids". When learning to communicate with children, it is essential to listen to what they are feeling. 

Our authors suggest four tips on helping with feelings and they include: 

1. Listen with full attention 2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word: "oh, I see, mmhmm" 3. Give their feelings a name: "you're feeling angry", "you're feeling sad" 4. Give them their wishes in fantasy: "you wish you could go take a nap right now because you're so sleepy" 

While, given certain situations, these tips may not be easily employed, they may be a good place to start. 

Another topic the book talks about is engaging cooperation. Sometimes, it can feel useless asking or telling your child to do something you want them to do. You try every means of communication you know and they still don't listen or obey. So how do we get our kiddos to listen to us and cooperate with what we are trying to say? 

Faber and Mazlish list some tips here to help engage cooperation: 

1. Describe what you see or describe the problem: "the light is on in the bathroom" 2. Give information: "walls are not for writing on, paper is for writing on" 3. Say it with a word: "Jill, your lunch!" (in this instance, less is more) 4. Talk about your feelings: "I feel so frustrated when I start to say something and can't finish." 5. Write a note: written on the bathroom mirror "Help! Hairs in my drain give me a pain!" 

Engaging with the children in your life at any age allows them to feel heard and gives them the space to learn how to work with you. 

Learning these and other communication tips can be helpful in understanding your children and working with them in a healthier manner. Every child desires to be heard and every adult wants to be able to understand them. If you are a parent or an adult who works with or interacts with children regularly, you might find books such as this one helpful in communicating! 

The women who wrote this book also wrote one on interactions with teens called How To Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk. A lot of the same communication skills are written about but from the perspective of talking to teenagers. 

Reference: Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (1999). How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk:with a new afterword: "the next generation" by Joanna Faber. New York: Scribner.

By: Katy McAlpine, MEd, LPC-Intern

(Under the Superivision of Kelly Martin, MEd, LPC-S, RPT-S

As seen in Lubbock Lifestyles Magazine

Read how the Playroom Lubbock began.

Find us, starting on Page 122.

How to Handle Hitting and Biting

There is a message in the misbehavior of hitting and biting. It's normal for toddlers and preschoolers to have difficulty managing big feelings and impulses. Often times we misinterpret a child's aggression as being intentional or an attempt to manipulate. Instead, look at aggression as your child's way of communicating. Our young people are still developing vocabulary and do not have the skills to sophisticatedly express overwhelming feelings. Hitting and biting can be a child's way of saying "I need space!" or "I'm jealous that you are playing with that!" or "I want to make my own choices!" Biting may also be an attempt for a child to experiment and test his body's capabilities.

Here are ways to offer your support for your child's emotional development when he or she is hitting or biting.

1. React calmly. When you witness or hear about your child hitting or biting, your first reaction may be tensing your body, heart racing, or your face feeling hot. Breathe and exhale and gently move your child away from the situation. Attend to the child who was hurt with empathy and tenderness.

2. Prepare. Watch your child carefully and take mental notes of things that seem to make your child feel stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, or sad. Look for patterns such as in transitions, time of day, and other triggers such as overstimulation. Frequent biting in toddlers and older children can often be related to sensory processing issues and an attempt to receive oral stimulation.

3. Use empathy. Use feeling words to build your child's emotional vocabulary. "You're so disappointed that it's time to go!"

4. Set the limit and teach. "You wanted a turn on the slide. Your hands are not for hitting. Next time you can say, Can I have a turn please?" or "No biting-biting hurts! Teeth are for food!"

5. Redirect: Sometimes our children need our support to make a healthy choice. It may mean gently intervening mid-swing at another child. Try using humor and being light hearted "Woah, we're not painting on people today silly, only paper!" Find an alternative for a child to bite when she feels the urge: chewies, ice, biting blanket.

6. Repair. Many natural reactions are to follow up with punishment, but instead, use this time for connection and learning. Give a hug. Sit quietly for a few minutes. Evaluate your child's needs: hungry? tired? Once your child is calm, talk about what happened by putting feeling words into the situation. Forced apologies are meaningless. Build empathy in your child by asking him or her what might make the hurt child feel better.

7. Use connection. If you feel your child is acting aggressively for attention or connection, give him lots of undivided attention throughout the day. Read a book, draw together, allow your child to help with simple tasks, create special moments together.

8. Consider speech and language milestones. Often times a child feels frustration in communication. Is your child meeting his milestones in speech and language?

9. Repeat: Spending time helping your child build the skills and vocabulary is time well spent. Healthy habits may take time to develop.

(Tips compiled from imperfectfamilies.com; Ages and Stages in Parents magazine).

For Parents: What is Play Therapy?

1. All children adjust to challenges; some need extra help to adjust or cope.

2. Because of the nature of development, children more easily communicate and express how they feel through play, not as much through words.

3. Play therapy provides toys and materials so that children can communicate what they cannot say in words.

4. The play therapist creates a safe relationship through and connection through non verbals and through verbal responses. These therapeutic responses are crafted to reflect a child’s feelings, facilitate their decision making and creativity, to encourage, to set limits, and to enlarge the meaning of a child’s metaphors through play.

5. Children recreate in play the life experiences that are part of their challenges.

6. Releasing feelings with a safe, caring, understanding adult helps children feel better.

7. Children’s play evolves until they gain understanding/comfort over their conflicts/worries.

8. Children learn to express themselves in positive ways, to control their behavior, to make decisions, and to act responsibly.

9. They change their personal view of life events, enjoy their interactions with others and feel increased self esteem.

10. Parents meet often with the therapist to express concerns, talk about their child’s behavior at home/school, and receive feedback.

11. Parents may be asked to join the play sessions and will be given guidance as to how to help the child or respond to the child.

12. Children need some degree of privacy regarding what occurs in therapy.

13. There is a possibility that challenges may “get worse before it gets better”; this is not unusual nor does it mean the therapy is not going to be effective.

(*not an actual client pictured with Kelly above)

Why an LPC Intern Could Be the Right Choice for Me

What is an LPC Intern?

A Licensed Professional Counselor Intern is a counselor who possesses at least a Master’s degree in counseling and has successfully passed their licensing exam (National Counselor Exam). The Texas State Board of Examiners of Professional Counselors has accepted their application for a temporary license. The requirements for LPC Interns are then to complete 3,000 hours of counseling/clinical hours under the supervision of a state licensed LPC Supervisor. LPC Supervisors are not necessarily in session with LPC Interns and clients, but are required to meet with LPC Interns at least 4 hours a month.

What Kind of Experience Does an LPC Intern have?

While in graduate school, students are required to complete field experience in counseling. Most students do more than the 300 experience hours required. Some interns have experience in specialized areas during their practica.

What does Supervision involve?

The purpose of supervision is to promote the development of the Intern’s clinical skills and to provide guidance and professional development to the Intern. The full responsibility for counseling activities of LPC Intern rests fully with the supervisor. The Supervisor also ensures that the Intern remains in full compliance with the rules of the Texas State Baord of Examiners of Professional Counselors. Supervision involves mentoring, evaluation, and case consultation.

Why work with an LPC Intern?

Interns cannot own an independent practice and tend to have a lower “private pay” rate than fully licensed LPCs. Interns can provide therapy for issues that many insurance companies will not cover. Additionally, when one is receiving services from an Intern, he or she is getting the benefit of having 2 clinicians with their skill sets and expertises. Essentially, one receiving treatment from an LPC Intern gains the benefit of not just that person’s knowledge, experience, and expertise, but also that of the intern supervisor’s.

Connecting With Your Child Through Play

“Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep emotional bond between parent and child.  Play, with all its exuberance and delighted togetherness, can ease the stress of parenting. Playful parenting is a way to enter a child’s world, on the child’s terms, in order to foster closeness, confidence, and connection.”

— Lawrence Cohen

Children need to play. It’s their work and way of learning skills, making sense out of their world, and processing their emotions. Children release complicated emotions through play. Laughter specifically reduces stress hormones and increases bonding hormones. Laughter can quickly restore an affectionate connection between adult and child. Play helps parents and kids feel closer, helps kids learn lessons better, and increases cooperation.

Connecting with your child through play can be as little as 2 minutes or as long as 10-20 minutes. Here are some ideas to help you get started.

1.     Play hide and seek

2.     Hold your child in your arms and dance

3.     Play a tunnel activity (similar to London Bridge)

4.     Give a pillow ride (sit on a big floor pillow as you drag him/her around the room, maintaining eye contact)

5.     Play catch! Roll a ball back and forth, bat a balloon back and forth

6.     M&M hockey (use bendy straws and blow M&Ms across the table, then the opponent feeds the person who scores a piece of candy)

7.     Play toys (follow your child’s lead, refrain from asking questions, use undivided attention)

A Child's Self-Talks Begins with You

Disney's new Christopher Robin was just released and I couldn't help but chuckle at this conversation exchange between Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robin. It reminded me of what I have recently attempted to encourage parents to do with their own kids to develop self awareness and self concept.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

— Laurie Hollman

Children hear our voices in their minds. Our words and language have a powerful effect. Children absorb our words, tone of voice, gestures, and messages.

As inner speech (self-talk) develops, it is used as a tool for learning. Vygotskian theory emphasizes that in early childhood, languages merges with thoughts (cognitions) in a new way so that children can use private speech (self talk) as a tool for guiding, planning, and regulating their own thinking and behavior. Early on a child relies on adults' external verbal instruction to begin or stop actions. Later in development, children are able to use internal verbal signals to control actions.

Recently I have encouraged parents to use a form of parallel talk to help their children develop an awareness of what is occurring simultaneously in the environment and within the child. Once a child has an awareness of what is occurring, she or he can use the assisted self talk to guide, plan, and regulate his or her own behavior and emotions. Parallel Talk is a technique in which the adult describes what the child is doing or seeing. In play therapy we call this tracking. The therapist describes in a literal, non-interpretative way, what is happening in the playroom to communicate to the child the therapist's presence and attention, and to facilitate awareness. The therapist is putting words (language)  into a child's play experience to deepen understanding and processing.

Faber and Mazlish talk about 2 techniques to encourage cooperation in their book "How to Talk so Kids Listen and Listen so Kids Talk."

Describe what you see

1.  Describe what you see, or describe the problem. It’s hard to do what needs to be done when people are telling you what’s wrong with you. It’s easier to concentrate on the problem when some one just describes it to you.

"There's a wet towel on the bed."

"There is only one doll stroller and you both want the same one."

"There are lots of kids in here and it's loud."

"When you asked nicely for the toy, your brother gave it to you."

"You started helping your sister, and she had a big smile."

"Your fists are clenched and you feel like hitting something."

Give information

2.  Information is a lot easier to take than accusation. When children are given information, they can usually figure out for themselves what needs to be done.

“The towel is getting my blanket wet.”

"Your brother really feels frustrated when toys get taken away from him."

"The drink is starting to spill when walking fast."

"Your shoes are in the hallway. Your dad really appreciates when they are put away."

"The bubble wrap or egg carton (for tearing up) is in the pantry."
 

---

“Be a thermostat, not a thermometer. ”

How we react to children's' emotions in situations is important. Our children are highly attuned to a parent's emotions. A thermostat keeps the temperature of a room at a constant temperature. The thermometer rises and falls with the temperature. The more calm and compassionate we are in reacting to our children, the more resilient they become in handling their own emotions. Perfectly attuned parents do not exist, though. A child development expert and Associate Professor of Pediatrics at Harvard University found that even the "best" parents are only attuned to their children 30 percent of the time. We can't expect to be perfectly in sync with our children at every moment, but we can recognize our current state, and remind ourselves that every reaction we express is absorbed by our children, shaping their self talk and their view of the world and of themselves. The more attuned we are to ourselves, the better able we are to react sensitively to our children. Perfection is impossible. Reflection helps us do better as parents.

Provide Encouragement

Encouragement invites self-evaluation and facilitates positive self talk. 

“Encourage the deed, not the doer.”

— Rudolf Dreikurs

Instead of praising the person or a quality or a product, encourage the effort. Instead of "You got an A. I am so proud of you," try "Congratulations! You worked hard. You deserve it." Praise is not encouraging because it teachers children to rely on approval. They learn to depend on others to evaluate their worth. 

Other examples of encouragement:

"You put lots of thought and detail into that!"

"You gave it your best effort. How do you feel about what you did?"

"I appreciate you listening and cooperating."

"That was the first time you've jump roped without stumbling."

The self talk a child begins to develop from encouragement may sound like this:

"I can be responsible!"

"I am proud of what I did!"

"I can do that!"

"It feels good to not give up!"

"I can do lots of things if I work hard."

Parents as Soothing Agents

“When our little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it is our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.”

— L.R. Knost

Parents and caregivers are critically important in helping children regulate their emotional states. Often, however, it is the very tantrums and meltdowns that spike parents' own anxiety reactions, leaving them unable to respond effectively as soothing agents. You might find yourself attempting to calm your child down through persuasion, coaxing, arguing them out of the anxiety, or rescuing them from the emotion. What if parents stopped trying to change behavior, and changed how they thought about parenting? Parents have the power to adjust their own thoughts and feelings about the struggles of parenting and about what a child's behavior is trying to communicate.

Dr. Dan Siegel proposes "Connection before correction." Parents need to first listen to the child, acknowledge her feelings, and offer guidance. The acronym SOOTHE (developed by Goodyear-Brown, Ashford, and van Eys) helps parents remember strategies to responding to emotional symptoms.

S = soft tone of voice, soft tone of face

0 = organize the child's experience

O = offer choices or a way out

T = touch or physical proximity

H = hear what the child is needing

E = end and let go

Elevation of a parent's voice will only feed the escalation of a child's tantrum. "If parents can choose to lower their voices, use a soothing tone, and remain calm, they will be anchoring the child's experience beneath the current level of escalation." (Paris Good-Year Brown in Play Therapy with Traumatized Children).

A lack of structure intensifies anxiety and dysregulation. Consistent schedules and soothing routines help to organize your child. Offering a narrow range of choices to a child helps to manage the emotion that arises during a decision making process, as well as provide a positive sense of control. A simple touch or physical proximity is meant to reaffirm children and keep the parent child relationship intact. Hearing what your child is communicating is discerning what the child's need is. This discernment will guide your response. Does your child's behavior communicate a need for attention? power? to feel adequate? rest? a snack? Lastly, Dan Siegel (2003) talks about the toxic ruptures that can occur between parents and children when upset occurs but it is never processed. Parents need to acknowledge their right to their own feelings of anger and exhaustion, but also let go of it, and remain responsive to their child after the meltdown has occurred.

Once connection is built, parents can move to the next step and discuss the issue. Helpful questions that encourage connection are: "What happened? How did this anger feel inside your body? How did this feeling make you react? What would be another choice for next time you feel sad?"

If you are interested in more helpful tips, we recommend "The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind" by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. "Peaceful Parenting, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting" by Laura Markham)

Play Therapy Poster Gallery

Kelly Martin, child counselor and play therapist of the Playroom Lubbock, along with Deborah Faith Photography created a sense of what a child experiences in a play therapy or activity play therapy session. You are invited to click and browse through our play therapy posters and learn why and how play therapy matters and is effective. (Children used in photos are not actual clients. The playroom is our actual play therapy playroom).

Child Centered Group Play Therapy

In Child Centered Group Play Therapy, a child learns not only about other children, but also about themselves. Children learn to evaluate themselves in light of peer feedback. CCGPT provides the opportunity for children to build self-concept, self-control, social skills, and awareness of feelings.

“In the process of interacting, children help one another assume responsibility in interpersonal relationships.”

— Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship, Garry Landreth, 2002

“Limit setting and reality testing occur as the group serves as a tangible microcosm of society.”

— Handbook of Group Play Therapy by Sweeney and Homeyer, 1999

Pro Tip:

The dynamics of the interaction increase substantially in group play therapy. Everything is potentially intensified. "Children stimulate each other, challenge each other, and activities requiring limit setting are exacerbated. Unique skills and training are required to be effective in group play therapy" (Play Therapy: Art of the Relationship, Landreth). Individual rather than group child centered play therapy would be most appropriate for children who are extremely aggressive, experiencing difficulty due to attachment issues, or sexually acting-out.

Child Centered Activity Play Therapy Room for Teens/Tweens

Child-centered activity play therapy (CCAPT) can be an effective intervention for pre adolescents, because the child-directed nature of the sessions "provides an opportunity for the child to explore his or her growing sense of self in a safe, accepting environment, free from the pressures and constraints of adult expectations: a situation that is certain to be unique for the unpredictably emotional preadolescent." ( Therapist's Guide to Child Development: The Extraordinarily Normal Years, Edited by Dee C. Ray, 2016). CCAPT allows for the development of self-direction, facilitates the growth of an internal locos of control, and opportunities to gain a sense of competence.

Parent Tip:

Parents, you can allow your child to pick a craft or an activity to do together, and practice using reflective listening while engaging in the activity with the child. Going on special outings can also be beneficial.

“Craft Activities can foster the child’s feelings of competence, while active listening from a parent can help the parent to understand the child better and the child to feel understood.”

— A Therapist's Guide to Child Development by Dee C. Ray

Reflective listening can facilitate the child being open with the parent about difficulties at school or with friends. The acronym DEAR is a helpful way to remember the components of reflective listening to your child. Kathleen Scott shares how to connect with your child using reflective listening. (GoodTherapy.Org, September 8, 2015).

Detect: Our role as parents naturally consists of advising and telling our children based on our own judgements. Instead, try observing your child's demeanor, behaviors, tone, and words. By practicing detection, you are likely to discover what is underlying the emotions.

Empathize: Try to empathize with your child's feelings without making it about you. What is their perspective? Connect with your child's feelings. "Wow, Jayden. You seem really angry." "I can see your frustration."

Ask: Ask questions out of compassion. Keep the conversation focused on your child's emotions and story before moving forward to addressing the undesirable behavior or a solution. Paraphrase what you hear. Questions should come from a place of wanting more information. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Reflect: Summarizing what you hear from your child can help dampen the powerful feelings. Your child will have the opportunity to step back and reevaluate their statements and feelings. You are teaching your child to regulate emotions through conversation and process feelings. "What I am hearing is that you're hurt because you were made fun of." "What a terrible end to your school day. It sounds like you've been hurt by  people you thought were your friends."

Pro Tip:

No matter the age, there is value in play and creative expression for treating emotional or behavioral challenges. Conventional play therapy may seem juvenile to preadolescents and adolescents so a setting and activities consistent with the developmental needs of preteens is essential. Click here to learn more about Child Centered Activity Play Therapy.